Go Placidly...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace may be in the silence.

As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak truth quietly and clearly. Listen to others, event the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is, many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of herosim.

Be yourself, especially do not feigh affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture the strength of your spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many years are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. Be careful. Strive to be happy. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Camilla Phillips 2005

It's not what I do that determines who I am. It's who I am that determines what I do.
Keith Devine

Detaching in Relationships

When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care.

We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.

As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.

We learn something else too. Detachment - letting go of our need to control people, behaviors and outcomes - enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.

Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiates a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same. It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.

Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I am loving others, and I am loving myself too.

Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.
Women, Sex and Addiction
Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this "out-of-body" experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, caretake, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us onto whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries - healthy parameters - around ourselves and our energy. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our own issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live - in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. God, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Giving the Outcome to God

Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22

Casting our cares on God may seem like a welcomed relief, but for some of us it is a frightening experience. Giving our anxieties/worries to God means we allow God to be in control instead of ourselves. This can be threatening for those of us who find our security in being in control at all times.

Sandra was a perfectionist. Everything had to be done right. If the project couldn't be completed without error, then Sandra didn't do it at all. Not surprisingly, Sandra struggled with anxiety attacks because she could not live up to her own unrealistic expectations. She did not give herself the latitude to finish a project behind schedule, or to do the best she could with the time given to her.

Are you a lot like Sandra? Do you need to be in control no matter what? Casting our anxieties on God allows us the freedom to do the best we can and feel good about ourselves even if a project is not done perfectly. God tells us that it is wize to give him control because he loves us and wants good things for us. We can trust him with significant concerns. He invites you and me to let him bear the load of our worries.

When we give our anxieties to God, we are choosing to let go of control.

Serenity Meditation Series "Setting New Boundaries" Daily Devotions for Those in Recovery, MacDonald, Brown & Mitsch - Counselors of the Minirth-Meier Clinic, Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers

A Lost Friend

I just received a "note" from a lost friend today. This friend has taken a wrong turn in their lives; they have walked down a wrong path. I care deeply for this lost friend, though they do not understand the caring, the love for them, because of the twisted way they have begun to see the world; because of the wounds they have, the hurt and pain they experience, because of the anger and guilt they harbor in their hearts.

The note read, "KEEP YOUR' PRAYERS THEY ARE MEANINGLESS. DO NOT SEND ME ANYTHING ELSE. YOU ARE NO FRIEND TO ME." The note was in response to a birthday card I sent, a card with my name, and the phrase, "you are in my prayers," a card I had hoped would let my friend know that I cared. You see, I have been where he is emotionally and psycologically. I understand the guilt, the feelings of worthlessness and despair, the isolation after you have done something you know others will not approve of, others see as a misstep, a sin; the feeling that you can never go home, that it is too late, that you are a mistake and now you have ruined your life too. Even if you have moments of pleasure, of happiness, the guilt and isolation loom in the shadows, under the surface, in the back of your mind, and you can never quiet feel comfortable. There is always a nervousness that sits under your skin, and it doesn't go away. Freedom from it doesn't come, no matter what you do.

It saddened me to receive this note. I had hoped it would help to punch a small hole into that blanket of deniel, let God's light in just a little, be a voice that calls from far away "there is hope, there is a better way, there is freedom from the hurt and pain and guilt." I just wanted this friend to know that I still cared and that they were loved, and that they were not alone. So sad.

That which is in the dark will come to the light. That which holds darkness over you can be banished by the light. "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free," a quote from Jesus. There is freedom in admitting the truth, to yourself, to God, and to one other human being. The truth frees your soul. The truth opens your heart to real freedom; freedom to be who you really are, without the guilt, the scars of the past, the self-hatred, the feelings of unworthiness. The truth frees you to be the real you, the you God intended all along before you were stained by the evil in this world, before you sustained the hurt and wounds from living in turmoil and chaos.

I will not stop praying for this friend. It is right to love your friends and your enemies. It is right to pray for both. I love this friend enough to do what I believe is right and in his best interest, and that no matter what he has done, what wrong turn he has taken, there is no judgement here, only understanding of his condition, his feelings, his thoughts. And there is the prayer for him to finally, one day, begin to see the truth, begin to admit the truth, begin to tell the truth to himself, to God, and to another trusted human being. I will pray for his freedom, because that is true love. Mac 8/2007

Antidotes

Codependent Behaviors verses Healthy Antidote Behaviors

• empathizing vs. feeling my feelings
• worrying about vs. not worrying about (or for) others
• pitying vs. respecting
• helping vs. helping only when I want to
• caretaking vs. taking care of myself
• fixing, resuing vs. letting others experience their own consequences
• protecting vs. acknowledging other's ability to take care of themselves
• defending vs. letting others defend themselves
• interfering vs. minding my own business
• rationalizing, justifying vs. seeing others' behavior honestly
• excusing vs. letter others be accountable for their actions
• sacrificing for vs. taking care of my own needs first
• being a martyr vs. not giving my life away for anyone
• avoiding vs. confronting
• distancing, withdrawing from vs. being accessible, approaching others
• witholding from vs. giving happily when I want to
• giving the silent treatment vs. listening and responding
• minimizing or denying my feeling vs. valuing and owning my feelings
• pretending, deceiving, or lying vs. voicing my feelings and opinions honestly
• manipulating vs. asking for what I want
• controlling vs. letter others make their own choices
• teasing vs. complementing
• shaming vs. honoring
• criticizing, judging vs. appreciating, accepting
• blaming vs. taking responsibility for my own life
• resenting vs. forgiving
• being hostile vs. being kind
• cursing, raging vs. expressing my anger appropriately without attacking
• hating vs. loving
• punishing, abusing vs. disciplining fairly, and only when appropriate
• discounting, ignoring vs. respecting, acknowledging others
• neglecting, abandoning vs. fulfilling commitments even when difficult
• being passive vs. taking action
• whining vs. speaking honestly concerning my needs or wants
• acting helpless or powerless vs. using my abilities and power constructively
• being bitter vs. forgiving and letting go of the past
• fearing vs. being courageous
• being vigilant, on guard, wary of vs. being self-confident
• pleasing vs. pleasing myself
• appeasing vs. fighting for my rights appropriately
• enmeshing vs. being independent in my feelings and choices
• needing vs. enjoying others while being self-sufficient

(c) 1999 by Tim A (NYC)

World Philosophies Say...

Greece said, "Be wise, know yourself."

Rome said, "Be strong, discipline yourself."

Religion says, "Be holy, conform yourself."

Epicureanism says, "Be sensuous, enjoy yourself."

Education says, "Be resourceful, expand yourself."

Materialism says, "Be satisfied, please yourself."

Psychology says, "Be confident, fulfill yourself."

Pride says, "Be superior, promote yourself."

Asceticism says, "Be inferior, suppress yourself."

Humanism says, "Be capable, believe in yourself."

Philanthropy says, "Be generous, give yourself."

Legalism says, "Be pious, limit yourself."

But the philosophy of Jesus Christ says, "Be a servant, think of others."

Rebellion and Taboos

I am a shadow of myself. There are things within me crying to get out. "Reveal yourself!," they scream. I have ignored them most of my life. "Good girls don't do that," was what I was always told, or "You just better not." There was never an explanation of what would happen if I did, but my mother had put the fear of God in me long before I began to question, or long. I grew up in this fear, and it consumed me, and it overpowered me. I am in my forties now. The only radical thing I ever did, that I care to admit here, is I married a man that my mother did not approve of, and that was rebellion in my family. I should have been hung! I don't expect my mother had given it much thought up until that point, but she definately had something to say about my choice. By then it was too late. She and dad had been too busy to pay attention to what their only daughter was absorbing from the culture around her, the sixties, and so I had already formed ideas and ideals in my mind, much to my mother's dismay. My mindset, and my preferences had long since been settled. From kindergarten my choices were taboo, and I knew it. But one day, I knew I would be able to make my own decisions, and then I would choose with my heart, not because of the fear of family. Rebellion is good sometimes, when it is for the right reason, the correct cause, the act of standing up for what one believes in. I miss that rebellious spirit. I know it is just a little under the surface, and it is just waiting for me to gain the courage again to be who I am, in spite of family, friends, or acquaintences. The world is getting smaller, and what was once taboo is not so shocking anymore. Maybe I'll get a tatoo next. Mac 2007

The only journey is the journey within.
Rainer Maria Rilke