Holiday Triggers

"One year when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control." - Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas (and other holidays as well): snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.

There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories. Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thought, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.

Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting (and other dysfunctional behaviors and addictions can cause the same triggers).

We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. What happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.

If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self-care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.

Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, evein if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Let Go and Let God

"Let go and let God." It's a 12-step slogan that everyone uses, but do they really know what it means?

Surrender. Letting go and letting God is surrender. You say "I can't, He can, I guess I will let Him." In the beginning, when you first start on that path of recovery, you aren't so sure He can either. You aren't so sure anyone can help. You've been doing this thing as long as you can remember, and it hasn't worked out yet. You've pushed and pulled, twisted and stretched, strained and stressed all you know how to do, and finally you've come to a place where you just don't know what to do any longer. And there is the place where you find surrender.

Surrender isn't not caring. It's not giving up. It's not giving in. It's giving over. Giving over the outcomes that you've tried so hard to make happen, but they just keep slapping you in the face. Give it to God. Give the problem to God. Give the outcome to God. Give the person you're so over-stressed about over to God. And don't dictate the outcome.

The outcome is in God's hands now. Whatever it is, will be what it is supposed to be. It is all part of the journey. Breathe out. Relax. Breathe in. Stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it. Give it over to God to handle, and don't take it back.

God can make it work out, whether it looks like it or not right now. All is well. All is in control - God's control, not your control. And remember, He is God! He has to be able to do a better job than you can, right?

Let go. Let God. And begin to live!

Thanksgiving: Yes, I Am Truly Blessed!

I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I have several wonderful friends who treat me like family, and I always feel welcomed in their lives. To have family, real family, not the blood-kind, but the heart- kind, is a real blessing.

And look how far I have come in just a few short years. In 1996 I moved home to take care of my father after my mother died. He was slowly becoming unable to care for himself. I also got divorced! Wow, what can I say about that blessing? I misstepped and went outside God's will for me, and paid the price. (I would have done it anyway, with someone. I needed to learn those life lessons someway.)

By mid 2003, I was able to return to church (Dad had care on Sundays), and I made two very good friends that I call family today.

In 2005 God answered several prayers and gave me a grant to do some long overdue and much needed repair and refurbishment work on my home(previously my dads; he had passed away in late 2004). Work was completed in February of 2007. When there has been an everyday problem, you know, a leaky faucet, a broken refrigerator, a bigger tax bill than you expected, God has given me the resources in either people or funds to handle it.

In August of 2006 I was let go from a job because I wasn't needed any longer. Do you call that down-sizing in an organization of two? Anyhow, I just couldn't make myself send out any resumes. God was prompting me with visions of going back to school after 20-plus years. In January of 2007 I began school! I am now a part-time student in a graphic design program at a local college. It's a drive, but it's financially feasible, and the college has a great reputation of graduating students who know what they are doing when they get out. Just the fact that I am making it, working part-time and going back to school part-time, is a testiment to God's love, provision, and his fantastic organizational abilities!

I am in debt for the first time since 1997 (a debt that came from my marriage situation, but the debt is mostly responsible debt like classes, books, software. And I purchased a real desk with credenza and storage. It's an investment in my future, a future that includes a business from my home some day.

Every day I learn more and more about who I am, and who I want to become. I struggle, one step forward, three steps back, but then sometimes God catches me up and catapolts me forward, and I realize how much he has blessed me.

My prayers of thanksgiving weekly have included, and still include, "God, thank you for clean, hot, running water. God, thank you for the heat in the house, and the air conditioner too. God, thank you for the washer and dryer, and it's right in my own home! God, thank you for an oven that works, and the microwave. God, thank you that the refrigerator is still running. God, thank you that I have something to eat today, and I promise not to waste a bite. God, thank you for my job, and for the provisions you have given me to pay my bills and go back to school. And God, thank you that there are no bill collectors calling and that there are no police knocking on the door. God, thank you that there is no fallout (severe consequences) from my marriage. God, thank you for the lessons I had to learn, and thank you that I finally learned them! God, thank you for my dogs; they are part of my family. God, thank you for the friends you have given me, who stick by me, even when I am down and the going is tough. God, thank you for the souls that you have placed in my life to lead me and teach me life lessons, and some to get me out of jams (some not of my own making, and others I have orchestrated on my own). God, thank you for leading me along the path that is this life, and giving me a second chance - a thousand times and more. And thank you for talking to me and providing for me, even when I am too busy to talk to you. God, thank you for forgiveness, past, present, and future" The list goes on and on and on.

When you have been through what I have in life, the little things in life, the things that others take for granted, aren't so little and you thank God for every breath of life he gives you. You thank him for every morsel of food and every comfort he provides. Yes, I have been truly blessed, and I never forget it.

Holidays: Lonely or Just Alone

Thanksgiving is an interesting time for me. When I was young I dreaded holidays. If you've ever seen the comic Titus, you can get an exaggerated picture of my family and how they interacted. Our household was not the Hallmark ideal that so many people remember, or wish that they could remember. So holidays were not something to look forward to, and as I grew older, I spent many holidays alone out of necessity; necessity to keep my sanity.

Saying that, being alone on a family-oriented holiday was at times very lonely. I can still have a twing of that lonely feeling on holidays when I am alone, but I don't feel unloved like I used to. I have taken the mindset that much of my daily interactions and life situations come about because of what I do or don't do. There are people who get multiply invitations to events, including holiday celebrations. And then there are people like me who may receive one invitation, but hardly ever multiple invitations. And a lot of that has to do with me.

When I extend myself socially, make friends, ones who eventually desire to spend time with me, then people think of me more often and call or invite me to go places. When I take a good look at my social skills, my current disposition (Many times I do not feel well because of health issues. I used to pretend a lot. Being in recovery begins to make pretending completely impossible at times), and how that affects those around me, I realize that my output determines the input I receive.

Right now, in my current situation, socially what I have extended myself to do maybe hasn't worked that well. More effort on my part is needed. But all in all, if I experience a holiday where I am not invited to a event or celebration, I think I will look at it as a vacation from all the busyness in my life, and realize that next year can be different, and that life is a journey of learning experiences.