"Hope" is not a plan.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Friend Sharpens Friend
You know the Bible says about relationships that "iron sharpens iron." I have never liked that verse, or the connatations that came along with it. But tonight I experienced a new insight into that verse. Again, filtered through my codependency and the recovery process I have been on for a number of years now, it took on new meaning.
Tonight I experienced truthfulness, trust, and a willing spirit to expose deep feelings between friends. Let me set the stage for you. Our church will be merging with another church in the local area. It will mean many things to both congregations. It will mean growth for both, and for the Kingdom of God. What it will also mean is that many people will be processing many feelings over the next few months.
A good friend, who had just been told of the plan, called to process. At the time I am sure she was experiencing a myriad of feelings; sadness, hurt, fear, anger, excitement. What I felt from her was irritation, bordering on anger. I am not saying that is what she put across, but that is what I felt coming from her. I reacted by trying to give all the reasons this would be a good thing for our church. What she felt from me was probably something akin to disregard. She felt unheard. I didn't validate her feelings. I didn't truly understand all of her feelings.
When I was a child I learned to hide feelings. You see in my house, if you exposed your feelings or thoughts, you became a target, pepetually within range anytime something wasn't going that well for other members of the family. They were aggitated; you got shot.
What I learned from growing up in that environment was to not show my feelings. Fear was the exception to that rule. I never could hide my fear. It showed in my "deer in the headlights" look, and the quiver on my lip. Anyway, I learned not to expose the underbelly of my thoughts or feelings, for fear of being hurt over and over again, and it being used against me for years to come.
As a result of this lesson (*codependent lesson!), well learned I might add, I sense feelings, but I don't always know what to do with them. I walk into a room and can feel the energy from various people, but I have no idea how to react most of the time. I'm not the touchy-feelie kind. I don't cry easily, and I'm uncomfortable with those that do. I don't put a lot of stock in "happy" feelings, because they will always be replaced with "unhappy" ones. And yes, I know, feelings are just feelings, not good or bad, but you know how you feel after a good day, or a bad one. I had a counselor who always quoted, "This too shall pass." If you're in the 12Step program, you know what she meant.
Anyhow, I digress. I did not validate her feelings because I didn't get a high energy level of "sad" or "hurt." What I got was "irritation or anger." It was the more potent of the energy I was getting from her at that moment. Well, she had the courage tonight to tell me that she had called to talk to me, to have a sounding board. And I didn't validate her feelings. Now, that's courage!
She has grown so much over the last year, and I am so thankful to have her as a friend. And I can look at myself and see that I am still growing as well. I did not get angry. I did not get my feelings hurt. I did not backpeddle. I was able, through many years of recovery, to accept what she said, not dive back into my shell and hide, and not secretly hold a grudge over what she said. I was able to hear her, acknowledge her feelings, accept that I didn't do the best job at being a friend last night, process why, and tell her I was sorry I wasn't able to be there for her the way she needed me to. Now for me that's progress.
It was refreshing. I "heard" her. (I hope she feels she was heard.) And I was "heard." We worked out a plan to grow our relationship even further. From now on, when I think I feel "irritation or anger" coming from her, I will try to step back and see if I can detect other emotions (feelings that aren't as potent) under the surface. I will ask myself, "What is really going on here?" And I will try to ask enough questions to find out all that she is feeling, and what she needs from me.
She agreed to try to remember to say to me, "I am feeling ***, and I need a sounding board." That will help me to know what to do with all the emotions I am detecting, instead of reacting to the first or strongest one that comes across to me, and from that I will be able to meet her needs better.
I am truly hopeful. It is a rare relationship where two people can become comfortable enough with themselves, and with another person, that they will risk being open and honest, exposing themselves, and asking for what they need. It is a rare friendship where one can confront the other person (in love, and without drama!) and let that person know that a real need was not met, and that it was hurtful.
I feel I can now move more deeply into this friendship. I can be more honest with her, knowing that she will not take it personally and retaliate if I feel I need to express a hurt or a need. And she can do the same. This is the stuff of real, mature, relationships. This is the stuff of counseling that I have been exposed to, but never been able to fully experience in a relationship (friend or significant other). This is where "iron sharpens iron." And friends practice healthy behaviors (newly learned or relearning) with one another, and begin to have a healthy relationship with themselves as well.
We begin to become more comfortable in our own skin. Friend sharpens friend, and both are the better for it.
Tonight I experienced truthfulness, trust, and a willing spirit to expose deep feelings between friends. Let me set the stage for you. Our church will be merging with another church in the local area. It will mean many things to both congregations. It will mean growth for both, and for the Kingdom of God. What it will also mean is that many people will be processing many feelings over the next few months.
A good friend, who had just been told of the plan, called to process. At the time I am sure she was experiencing a myriad of feelings; sadness, hurt, fear, anger, excitement. What I felt from her was irritation, bordering on anger. I am not saying that is what she put across, but that is what I felt coming from her. I reacted by trying to give all the reasons this would be a good thing for our church. What she felt from me was probably something akin to disregard. She felt unheard. I didn't validate her feelings. I didn't truly understand all of her feelings.
When I was a child I learned to hide feelings. You see in my house, if you exposed your feelings or thoughts, you became a target, pepetually within range anytime something wasn't going that well for other members of the family. They were aggitated; you got shot.
What I learned from growing up in that environment was to not show my feelings. Fear was the exception to that rule. I never could hide my fear. It showed in my "deer in the headlights" look, and the quiver on my lip. Anyway, I learned not to expose the underbelly of my thoughts or feelings, for fear of being hurt over and over again, and it being used against me for years to come.
As a result of this lesson (*codependent lesson!), well learned I might add, I sense feelings, but I don't always know what to do with them. I walk into a room and can feel the energy from various people, but I have no idea how to react most of the time. I'm not the touchy-feelie kind. I don't cry easily, and I'm uncomfortable with those that do. I don't put a lot of stock in "happy" feelings, because they will always be replaced with "unhappy" ones. And yes, I know, feelings are just feelings, not good or bad, but you know how you feel after a good day, or a bad one. I had a counselor who always quoted, "This too shall pass." If you're in the 12Step program, you know what she meant.
Anyhow, I digress. I did not validate her feelings because I didn't get a high energy level of "sad" or "hurt." What I got was "irritation or anger." It was the more potent of the energy I was getting from her at that moment. Well, she had the courage tonight to tell me that she had called to talk to me, to have a sounding board. And I didn't validate her feelings. Now, that's courage!
She has grown so much over the last year, and I am so thankful to have her as a friend. And I can look at myself and see that I am still growing as well. I did not get angry. I did not get my feelings hurt. I did not backpeddle. I was able, through many years of recovery, to accept what she said, not dive back into my shell and hide, and not secretly hold a grudge over what she said. I was able to hear her, acknowledge her feelings, accept that I didn't do the best job at being a friend last night, process why, and tell her I was sorry I wasn't able to be there for her the way she needed me to. Now for me that's progress.
It was refreshing. I "heard" her. (I hope she feels she was heard.) And I was "heard." We worked out a plan to grow our relationship even further. From now on, when I think I feel "irritation or anger" coming from her, I will try to step back and see if I can detect other emotions (feelings that aren't as potent) under the surface. I will ask myself, "What is really going on here?" And I will try to ask enough questions to find out all that she is feeling, and what she needs from me.
She agreed to try to remember to say to me, "I am feeling ***, and I need a sounding board." That will help me to know what to do with all the emotions I am detecting, instead of reacting to the first or strongest one that comes across to me, and from that I will be able to meet her needs better.
I am truly hopeful. It is a rare relationship where two people can become comfortable enough with themselves, and with another person, that they will risk being open and honest, exposing themselves, and asking for what they need. It is a rare friendship where one can confront the other person (in love, and without drama!) and let that person know that a real need was not met, and that it was hurtful.
I feel I can now move more deeply into this friendship. I can be more honest with her, knowing that she will not take it personally and retaliate if I feel I need to express a hurt or a need. And she can do the same. This is the stuff of real, mature, relationships. This is the stuff of counseling that I have been exposed to, but never been able to fully experience in a relationship (friend or significant other). This is where "iron sharpens iron." And friends practice healthy behaviors (newly learned or relearning) with one another, and begin to have a healthy relationship with themselves as well.
We begin to become more comfortable in our own skin. Friend sharpens friend, and both are the better for it.
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