Rebellion and Taboos

I am a shadow of myself. There are things within me crying to get out. "Reveal yourself!," they scream. I have ignored them most of my life. "Good girls don't do that," was what I was always told, or "You just better not." There was never an explanation of what would happen if I did, but my mother had put the fear of God in me long before I began to question, or long. I grew up in this fear, and it consumed me, and it overpowered me. I am in my forties now. The only radical thing I ever did, that I care to admit here, is I married a man that my mother did not approve of, and that was rebellion in my family. I should have been hung! I don't expect my mother had given it much thought up until that point, but she definately had something to say about my choice. By then it was too late. She and dad had been too busy to pay attention to what their only daughter was absorbing from the culture around her, the sixties, and so I had already formed ideas and ideals in my mind, much to my mother's dismay. My mindset, and my preferences had long since been settled. From kindergarten my choices were taboo, and I knew it. But one day, I knew I would be able to make my own decisions, and then I would choose with my heart, not because of the fear of family. Rebellion is good sometimes, when it is for the right reason, the correct cause, the act of standing up for what one believes in. I miss that rebellious spirit. I know it is just a little under the surface, and it is just waiting for me to gain the courage again to be who I am, in spite of family, friends, or acquaintences. The world is getting smaller, and what was once taboo is not so shocking anymore. Maybe I'll get a tatoo next. Mac 2007