I remember the day the lightbulb finally began to glow in my head. I finally got Step One of the 12Step program. It had been about a month and a half, and I just couldn't understand why I was supposed to accept the concept of powerlessness. I was already powerless. I knew it. I was powerless in my relationship with my husband. He called all the shots. He was emotionally and psycologically abusive. I already knew I was powerless, so why did I have to accept it again? It just didn't make sense. But my sponsor, the facilitator of the group, kept saying to me, "Pat, you're powerless!" She really irked me. I wanted to reach out and strangle her. But she just kept saying it.
Then, in that meeting, the lightbulb finally went off. I got it. The "ah hah" moment. Yes, I was powerless. I was powerless over him, his behavior, his thought patterns, his values and beliefs, and his ability to make our lives truly miserable. That was the beginning.
Later, I would learn what I had power over, but first I had to accept powerlessness, and let go. Let go of the worry and anxiety over the decisions he was making, let go of the outcome, let go of him and whether he loved me or not, whether he approved of me or not, let go of the continuous anxiety and fear that permeated every second of every day.
Since I began going to CoDA meetings in November 0f 1992 I have grown beyond my wildest dreams. It may not look like much to you now. I have so many flaws that I still need to address. But you should have known me then!
I thank God for the 12Step program, and how it has helped me look into myself, my motives, my habits and hurts, my addictions. I thank God for a place to go where I can actually admit all my faults out loud to someone, and not feel like the odd man out, not feel ashamed, because everyone in that meeting is struggling with the exact same issues as I.
My Higher Power, my God, is a loving, forgiving, unjudgemental God, who loves me so much he has made a way for me to heal, and do it in a safe environment. Thank God for the 12Step program, and for leading me to it. Thank God I was willing to listen.
Mac 9/2007
Then, in that meeting, the lightbulb finally went off. I got it. The "ah hah" moment. Yes, I was powerless. I was powerless over him, his behavior, his thought patterns, his values and beliefs, and his ability to make our lives truly miserable. That was the beginning.
Later, I would learn what I had power over, but first I had to accept powerlessness, and let go. Let go of the worry and anxiety over the decisions he was making, let go of the outcome, let go of him and whether he loved me or not, whether he approved of me or not, let go of the continuous anxiety and fear that permeated every second of every day.
Since I began going to CoDA meetings in November 0f 1992 I have grown beyond my wildest dreams. It may not look like much to you now. I have so many flaws that I still need to address. But you should have known me then!
I thank God for the 12Step program, and how it has helped me look into myself, my motives, my habits and hurts, my addictions. I thank God for a place to go where I can actually admit all my faults out loud to someone, and not feel like the odd man out, not feel ashamed, because everyone in that meeting is struggling with the exact same issues as I.
My Higher Power, my God, is a loving, forgiving, unjudgemental God, who loves me so much he has made a way for me to heal, and do it in a safe environment. Thank God for the 12Step program, and for leading me to it. Thank God I was willing to listen.
Mac 9/2007
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