MORE LATER...

(I took this off the blog for awhile, ashamed that I was feeling/thinking this way. I'm learning about Relapse now, and the need for Self-Love, and Self-Acceptance all over again. If I have to feel ashamed for having problems because of years of emotional and psychological abuse & neglect, then I am not working my program, and I am allowing others to dictate how I feel about myself. I am not willing to do that. That is a sick system, and I refuse to become tangled up in that again. So here is my posting from two weeks ago, with its reality, as reality is.)

First off I will tell you that this will be an ongoing blog post. It has to be.
I am in the process of processing. I am going to counseling again. I am pulling away layers of the onion that I thought I had pulled away already. Down to the core I thought I was. But there is more to go through.

Or maybe this is a new onion. Maybe this is a different variety of onion, a Bermuda or a Hardy Yellow, that now I am beginning to tear away the layers of...once again in my life.

You know, you think you've dealt with all the shit in your past. You've gone to counselor after counselor over the years, and you've poured your heart out so many times, and you've cried ten billion tears, and you've written a hundred letters that you don't intend to mail.

And then you find yourself dealing with something new, something you never knew about, something you didn't expect, something you didn't remember...until now. Its called "repressed memories." And there is More Later.

And your life seems to be all screwed up again. And the pain seems to be just as cutting and intense. And the problems this all causes seem to be just as damaging to your life and friendships and relationships and future as the first time you began to face your past. And then there is more later.

I wish I had realized just how true the statements were that I have heard in 12Step meetings. I have been told that "there is always more layers, more to deal with." It may not be as hard, or as life-shattering, but there will always be more to deal with...another layer to pull back and examine, another layer to journey through...that you are always working on yourself, until you reach perfection (in God) in heaven.

As I begin on this new journey into my past, my self, I realize I have been given new tools to work with, and God has provided a new guide. This will be hard. This will be painful. This will be lonely. But I have some old tools to help, and now I am being given some new tools to use along the way on this journey. I can start again. I have done it before. And with God by my side, I will succeed.

Life is a journey, and I will treasure the hard and the smooth times. "THIS TOO SHALL PASS."

And there is MORE LATER...