The feeling of being lost - it comes at a high cost, but there is escape in the sadness, the darkness that envelopes one, and causes one to not care anymore. There is escape from reality there. There is blissfulness in a state of catatonic denial (fear undercover).
I went to a friend's house tonight. We listened to the music I grew up on. You remember, or maybe you don't. Lynard Skynard, Three Dog Night, Janice Joplin, The Alman Brothers, War, Foreigner, Rush, Heart...or maybe you came from the genre of Rufus & Chaka Kahn, The Gap Band, The Whispers, Earth, Wind & Fire, Tina & Ike Turner, War...I came from both, varied tastes tempted my palatte.
We also listened to Staind, a relatively new band. I like the song "It's Been Awhile." It speaks to my addiction. I didn't have the drugs and alcohol addictions that so many of the people I meet did/do, but I had an addiction, and it acted itself out the same way as drugs or alcohol, without all the immense harmful physical consequences. I still have the debt from my ex-husband that looms over my head from time to time, and it reminds me of his addictions. I still have the tendancy to "**** things up just like I always do" - a lyric in the song.
I still remember not being able to "look at myself straight in the mirror." I remember not being able to remember what I looked like after I had turned away. I remember not being able to say "I am sorry." I remember not being able to "hold my head up high." I remember not being able "to stand on my own two feet."
"Staind" I felt that way today, and yesterday. HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I have been all those things this week - not because it was the post-holiday blues, but because I am broke. My work reduced my salary, as well as the other employees, two months ago. I kept praying that God would send a little miracle my way and I wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of this one again. But alas, here it is again, and I do not want to face reality. Although reality has smacked me in the face this week, I still think that maybe God will pull a rabbit out of his hat, so to speak, and I won't have to alter plans or my way of living or my comfort zone, and things will just miraculously work themselves out.
Well, taxes are due on my house, and I don't have all the money. I always have all the money. Where is my rabbit, God? I still have seven days before penalties begin to accrue.
Anyhow, the words in this song were my mantra for a number of years when I first separated myself from my ex and began to clean my life up, take responsibility for what was mine, and for some that wasn't, and get my "****" straightened out. (Okay, get a grip. For all those wondering, I am still in the addict stage, and considering how I have messed my life up, that is the only "real" way of expressing it. Softer, kinder, more politically-correct words just don't cut it. Ask any addict - you have to say it like it is, man. And God forgives...even the addict. I thank God he loves me, is healing me, forgives me, and restores me; the real me.) Reality sucks! I've been Staind!
"It's been awhile since I could say I wasn't addicted. And it's been awhile since I could say I love myself as well...But everything I can't remember...I knew it was all me. I cannot blame this on my father (mother?), he did the best he could for me...It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high, and it's been awhile since I could say I am sorry."
I guess that says it all tonight. I am "Staind" and it may be awhile til I can say I am not...and live like I am not all the time. Anyway, I know God has washed that stain out. And I know he will see me through this one as well. Stains are washed away each night, and we are new and clean each morning. God's detergent. No more staind.
1 comment:
Simply put...WOW!!! I never really "heard" the words to that song. I bet there are so many people that feel the same way...including myself. Thanks for the encouragement.
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