Recovery is a process. Within that process is another one called relapse. Regression, reverting, slips - whatever we call it - any diagram we use to represent growth and recovery needs to accomodate it.
In spite of our best efforts to stay on track, we sometimes find ourselves reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better.
Relapse can sneak up on us, linger, and become as confusing as our original codependency. For many reasons we can find ourselves using coping behaviors we thought we had outgrown/recovered from. We start neglecting ourselves, taking care of others, feeling victimized, freezing feelings, overreacting, trying to control, feeling dependent on others, needy, guilty, afraid, obligated, depressed, deprived, undeserving, and even trapped. The "codependent crazies" come back, and we feel neck deep in shame.
No need to feel shame. I've questioned thousands of recovering people. No one ever claimed a perfect recovery. "I felt disconnected from people - all alone in the world, " stated Charlene, a recovering codependent.
Relapse happens to many of us. Relapse happens to people who have been recovering for ten months, and for ten years. It happens not because we're deficient or lackasadasical. Relapse happens because it's a normal part of the recovery process. In fact, it's so normal that I'm not going to call it relapse. I'm going to call it "recycling."
"Relapse sounds like going all the way back to where we started from - square one on the game board," explains Scott Egleston, a therapist. "We don't go all the way back. When we finish a recycling process, we move to a progressed location on our recovery journey." Relapse can be a necessary part of recovery. Recycling is a chance to do our recovery work. It's a way to discover what we need to work on and work through. It's one way we figure out what we haven't yet learned, so we can start to learn the new lesson. It's a way to solidify what we've already learned. Recycling is about learning our lessons so we can move forward on our journey.
We can get uncomfortable when a relationship gets too close and too good. Crisis and chaos may not feel good, but those things can feel comfortable (to codependents). Sometimes, we get so anxious waiting for the formidable other shoe to drop that we take it off and toss it ourselves.
There are many reasons for recycling in relationships. Sometimes the relationship is over, but we're not ready to end it. Sometimes the relationship needs to be enjoyed, but we're too frightenened to do that. Sometimes we're making chaos to avoid intimacy. Sometimes falling in love can resemble codependency; as boundaries weaken, we focus on the other person and have a sense of loss of control. Sometimes what we call "codependent behaviors" are a normal part of intimate or close relationships.
Relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road. Taking good care of ourselves doesn't mean we avoid relationships. The goal of recovery is learning how to function in relationsips. The task during recycling is to relax and let ourselves learn whatever we need to learn.
"How long do I need to keep working at recovery?" asked one woman. "All my life, I guess," she says, answering her own question.
Sometimes our old reactions appear for no reason. Sometimes recycling is part of the process as we struggle to acquire new behaviors and shed old, self-defeating ones. Getting sick, or becoming overly tired can trigger codependent reactions in us. Stress - from today and stress from yesterday - can trigger our codependency. Our instinctive reaction to stressful situations can be to neglect ourselves.
Innoculous events that remind us of past traumatic events can also trigger our codependency. "Once a person has been overwhelmed by traumatic events, he or she is susceptible to sudden reemergence of the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that were present during the trauma," Cermak writes in "Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence." "This reemergence is most likely to occur when the individual is faced with something which symbolically represents the original trauma - a "trigger."
Triggers remind our subconscious of a traumatic event, causing codependent feelings and behaviors to emerge. This can include (list not all inclusive):
Feeling anxious or afraid
Freezing feelings, or "going numb"
Focusing on others and neglecting ourselves
Attempting to control things, events, and people
Experiencing sudden low self-worth
or Any of the codependent behaviors or feelings we did or felt during the actual event.
We automatically start reacting and protecting ourselves. Almost anything can be a trigger. A few are:
Conflict
The threat of someone leaving us, even if we want him or her to leave
Confrontation
Paying bills
Hearing a certain song...
Anything connected with, resembling, or representing a past traumatic experience can be a trigger...even falling in love.
"I know how to cope with emergencies, tragedy, and disappointment," confides a recovering woman. "I don't know how to deal with success, peace, or loving relationships. Those things are uncomfortable. I get scared. I wonder what bad thing is going to happen next to mess things up. Some terrible thing always did happen in the past. Its difficult for me to believe I deserve good things. It's even harder for me to believe good things can last."
Changing circumstances can cause us to recycle. Changing jobs, moving, ending a relationship, the threat of ending a relationship, starting a relationship, a change in finances, or a shift in routine can be unnerving. Even a desirable change brings a sense of loss. Most of us have been through so much change and loss in our lives that we don't want to go through any more.
"I still have bad days, but that's okay. I used to have bad years." - Anonymous
Recycling can mean a momentary lapse into our old behaviors, or recycling can lead to more serious problems: depression, use of mood-altering chemicals to cope, or physical illness. Codependency is progressive, recycling can be too. We can get stuck, spin our wheels, then discover we've gotten ourselved more deeply entrenched in the muck. Whether our recycling experience lasts six minutes or six months, our instinctive reaction is usually one of denial, shame, and self-neglect. We get out, or through a recycling process by practicing acceptance, self-compassion, and self-care. These attitudes and behaviors may not come as effortlessly as denial, shame and neglect.
Catagories of Reactions in Recycling:
Emotions Shut Down
Compulsive Behaviors Return
Victim Self-Image Returns
Self-Worth Drops
Self-Neglect Starts
The Crazies Return
The Behaviors Return Too
We Feel Trapped
Chronic Illness May Return
We've spent years practicing denial, shame and neglect. But we can learn to practice healthier alternatives, even when it feels awkward.
After we've finally identified a return to our old ways, the next step is simple. We say, "Oops! I'm doing that again." This is called Acceptance & Honesty! It's helpful to return to concepts like powerlessness and unmanageability at this time. If we're working a Twelve Step program, this is a good time to work Step One again. This is called Surrender. Counseling may help. Now comes the potentially difficult part. We tell ourselves, "Its all okay, I did it again." This is called Self-compassion.
Exerpts from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie
