Mozaic Journey: 2009-03-22

Saturday, March 28, 2009

It's Been a While

I haven't posted since September last year, 2007. I just wanted anyone checking this site to know that I am still around, but I have been a little sick since last year July, and the symptoms came on fully in February or so of 2008.

I am visiting doctors now with the hopes of finding out what is wrong. I have multiple symptoms that seem to point to numerous problems, but so far tests have come back negative. I am visiting a specialist now, and going through an additional number of tests, some deemed experimental, to try to determine what is wrong.

I will try to get back and update this blog more often now, maybe with an update or two on my health from time to time. I continue to visit CoDA meetings when I am able (feel well enough to go), and continue using the tools I have learned in CoDA and counseling to cope with issues as they come up.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to continuing to hear from those of you who stay in touch on a regular basis through email.

May God bless you,

Mozaic Journey

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THE JOURNEY

A walk through the pieces of a life, a journey of insight and healing from codependency (for info on Codependency see below): My journey, as most journeys do, began many years ago when I was a child. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family system (a passive-agressive father and a mother who suffered from a bipolar condition), and the emotional and psycological issues that resulted from growing up in that system left me paralyzed in the world. My world was filled with chaos, fear, anxiety, hurt, turmoil and emotional pain. I felt alone in the world, locked in a dark room full of anger and self-hatred. I became a chamileon, trying to fit in, trying to find who I was through others, approval seeking, other-centered. Finally, after many years of walking through life feeling alone and isolated, sick, tired, and worthless, I began an inner exploration of myself, through counseling and 12Step recovery, and the journey became one of intense inner healing.

My journey has taken me to many dangerous places within myself and in this life. There have been many jagged, painful pieces, pieces that I have had to chip away at, cut and polish and fit together, to create this mosaic I call my life. That mosaic is continually being formed, reworked, walked out and created. The journey, filled with jagged, textured, color-filled pieces, is becoming a path to the future, and back toward home.

It is a journey that is bringing me home again. Home to self. Home to healing. Home to freedom, peace, self-love, self-care and serenity. Home to a God who loves me, and understands me and knows that I will make mistakes. In fact, He expects me to make mistakes, and when I do, He is there to show me the way back onto the right path.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is not to become someone other than who I am. The goal is not to become someone everyone else will approve of. And the goal is not the end of the journey either. The end of this life and what I have made of it; to know what will be written on my tombstone, neither is that the goal.

The goal is the journey. The goal within the journey is to learn, to grow, to experiment, stretching myself, and healing, learning to love myself and to love others appropriately. The journey is about balance, balance in life, in work, in friendship, in love. Learning to value and maintain a balance in all we do, and in all we are, is a key ingredient in this journey.

As I continue to walk this journey, I will share with you what my Higher Power, my God, is teaching me, showing me, walking me through. So I invite you to journey along with me. Contained here are snapshots of the truths God has shared and is sharing with me, and the wisdom that comes from allowing Him to gently guide me along this path I call my life. His gentle hand guides me daily into healing, into truth, into relationship, into friendship, with Him and with myself.

Blessings on Your Journey,
Mac

What is Codependency?

"Codependency has a fuzzy definition because it is a gray, fuzzy condition. It is complex, theoretical and difficult to completely define in one or two sentences." "A codependent person is one who has let another person's/other people's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with (the other person and their behavior and/or) controlling that person's/other's behavior." Melody Beattie

I will add that control takes the form of manipulating, coercing, and fashioning ourselves and our environments - the situations we find ourselves in, including the people we find ourselves around, so that we can feel secure, and reduce the amount of fear that we feel daily.

Just a Few Patterns & Characteristics of Codependence

DENIAL PATTERNS
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel
I perceive myself as completely unselfish & dedicated to the well being of others
LOW SELF ESTEEM PATTERNS:
I have difficulty making decisions
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough
I am embarrassed to receive recognition or gifts
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires
I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings & behavior over my own
I do not percieve myself as a lovable or wothwhile person
COMPLIANCE PATTERNS:
I compromise my own values & integrity to avoid rejection or other's anger
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling & tend to begin to feel the same
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long
I value other's opinions & feelings more than my own & I am afraid to express differing opinions or feelings
I put aside my own intersts and hobbies in order to do what others want
I accept sex when I want love
CONTROL PATTERNS:
I think most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think & how they "truly" feel
I become resentful when others will not accept my help
I freely offer others advice & directions without being asked
I lavish gifts & favors on those I care about
I use sex to gain approval & acceptance
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others

The Twelve Steps of Codependents Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over others and that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscience contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Inc. You can find more information about codependency and 12Step Meetings in your local area by going to CoDA.org. For selected books on codependency, please refer to my personal profile. These are books I recommend for those searching for understanding about codependency. There are also others I can recommend to those already in recovery, or who have some insight into their disease/condition.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

Working A Program & Working The Steps

What individual conditions can benefit from a Twelve Step program? What about the families of people with these conditions/diseases?

*Alcoholism - Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
*ACOA
*Al-Anon
*Alateen
*Al-Atots

*Drug Addiction - Narcotics Anonymous (NA)
*Nar-Anon

*Codependency (CoDA) - for people who are consumed by another persons actions, behaviors, addictions, and/or are involved in helping these people overcome their compulsive behaviors.

*Emotions Anonymous - for people who desire to become emotionally well.

*Parents Anonymous
*Families Anonymous - for people concerned about the use of chemicals and/or related behavioral problems in a relative or friend.

*Overeating - Overeaters Anonymous (OA)
*O-Anon

*Gambling - Gamblers Anonymous (GA)
*Gam-Anon

*Shopaholics - Shoppers Anonymous

*Sex Addiction & Abusers - Sex Addicts Anonymous (SA)
*Co-SA

Working a Program & Working the Steps

"How do the Twelve Steps work?
"They work just fine, thank you."

Beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, creative, loving, caring people are destroyed everyday by compulsive behaviors and the people in their lives who demonstrate these compulsive behaviors. These people do not deserve to be destroyed. They do not deserve to have their lives, loves, and dreams dissolve and fall through their fingers. Children do not deserve to be hurt, and families do not deserve to fall apart.

These diseases leave in their wake fragmented, sheared, and bewildered victims. Codependency, Alcoholism, Chemical Dependency, Gambling, Shopping, Overeating, Sexual Abuse...are all areas where the Twelve Step program can help a person to turn their lives around.

The Twelve Step program(s) give victims of these diseases and the ones who love them (their families and friends), a fighting chance at hope for the future, recovery, and healing.

The Twelve Step programs are not merely self-help groups that help one with compulsive disorders to stop doing whatever it is they feel compelled to do (drinking, helping the drinker and others, controlling, overeating, drug abuse, shopping, gambling, sexual addiction...). Twelve Step programs teach people how to live - peacefully, happily, successfully. They bring peace. They promote healing. They give life to their members - frequently a richer, healthier life than that which the person knew before they developed the problem that they currently suffer from. The Twelve Steps are a way of life!

There is a saying: "Work the steps, and the steps will work you." It isn't intense effort that makes healing possible. It isn't forced control over your behaviors that leads to recovery. You simply need to attend meetings, check in with and listen to your sponsor, and work the steps. The "magic" happens as you consistantly do these things. Insight happens. Healing happens. Recovery happens. But you must be available to your Higher Power for him to work on you and in you, to bring about healing and recovery. It takes a little courage in the beginning.

First and foremost, attend the meetings weekly, or more often if your addiction or compulsive behavior is ruining your life. Second, find a sponsor, someone who has been in the program for a while, an "old-timer" so to speak. They can help you understand where you are at, and where you are going. They will be your guide and help you "work the steps."

Working the steps is a deliberate, intentional, positive action where you take responsibility for your own recovery and healing, and you allow your Higher Power to guide you into healing and recovery through working the steps. Sometimes you will want to couple going to meetings and working the steps with seeing a counselor. Therapy can be very beneficial. For some of us, therapy is just the thing we need. For others, it is not enough.

There are several good books that will help you work the steps. Even doing the activities in Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" will bring about insight and understanding of your condition, and will help you to begin the process of "working the steps."

Workbooks for Working the Steps:

Book names to be added in the future. Please return to this site.

Let Go and Let God

Finally a word about God. The Twelve Step program uses the term "Higher Power." Because there are many kinds of abuse, religiousity being one of them, the name Higher Power speaks to those of us who have had religion shoved down our throats, or been abused by someone who held religion over us, or held a position of honor in the religious community. God, seen as a loving father to some, is an entirely foreign concept to others. Our fathers may have abused us. Or we may have a difficult time understanding and coming to terms with a god who would "allow" such horrible circumstances to have taken place in our lives. God may seem very far away, or like a prankster, or worse, a hateful, judgemental being ready to punish us over any discretion.

If you've just entered the program, or are considering attending several meetings to find out what all this fuss is about, the program allows for you to find God at your own pace and in your own journey. Only a higher power can bring about the healing that so many millions of men and women experience every year in the 12-step program. Only a god who cares about you, where you are going, and how you are going to get there - your journey, is capable of leading you into and through the healing process - a process that you will find in the 12-step program.

The outcome is up to you though. Courage - just get to the first meeting. Then get to the next. And the next. And the next, and the next.... All you have to do is what you can do "One Day at a Time" (even one minute at a time, if necessary).

Just keep going. Be open. Be willing. Begin to participate when you feel safe. And keep going. Your Higher Power, God, will do the rest.

"Let Go and Let God."

Mac 2007