Friday, October 25, 2013
Pieces of the Puzzle
It's 2013 and I've been on a journey of trust and faith in God's ability to take care of me and his love for me. I got sick in 2008 and was finally diagnosed with CFIDS (chronic Fatique Immune Dysfunction Disease). The journey has been long and hard, but I have learned to trust God in every aspect of my life.
It is a journey I hope others will embark on. So here I sit on a Friday morning feeling reflective and wondering how the next leg of the journey will be. What does the future hold? How can I make the most of it when I am house-bound or bed-bound most of the time? Will I have companions on this leg of the journey? Who? Where will it lead?
In addition, what is the differing factor in those who have the courage and tenacity to go the distance on this journey, and those who don't. Why do so many settle for a mediocre life?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
It's Been a While
I haven't posted since September last year, 2007. I just wanted anyone checking this site to know that I am still around, but I have been a little sick since last year July, and the symptoms came on fully in February or so of 2008.
I am visiting doctors now with the hopes of finding out what is wrong. I have multiple symptoms that seem to point to numerous problems, but so far tests have come back negative. I am visiting a specialist now, and going through an additional number of tests, some deemed experimental, to try to determine what is wrong.
I am visiting doctors now with the hopes of finding out what is wrong. I have multiple symptoms that seem to point to numerous problems, but so far tests have come back negative. I am visiting a specialist now, and going through an additional number of tests, some deemed experimental, to try to determine what is wrong. I will try to get back and update this blog more often now, maybe with an update or two on my health from time to time. I continue to visit CoDA meetings when I am able (feel well enough to go), and continue using the tools I have learned in CoDA and counseling to cope with issues as they come up.
Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to continuing to hear from those of you who stay in touch on a regular basis through email.
May God bless you,
Mozaic Journey
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Self-Care
When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves. - Beyond Codependency by Meloday BeattieThe idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it's okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy onto ourselves and our responsibilities is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment? What do I need and want to do? What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility:
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself. Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps. Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time for myself, and do something fun. Have I been neglecting my work or daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self-care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us (God, my Higher Power). We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsibe care of myself. Then, we need to listen to the answer.
Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.
Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and my Higher Power to guide me in this process.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Friday, September 5, 2008
Accepting Our Best
We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.Do our best for the moment, then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later. We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.
Striving for excellence is a positive quality. Striving for perfection is self-defeating.
Did someone always withhold approval? There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.
There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until our best becomes better.
There is a time for constructive criticism, but if that's all we give ourselves, we'll give up.
Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.
Today, I will do my best, then let it go. God, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.
From: Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Affirmations
I used to think affirmations were New Age Voodoo, well, kinda. I am beginning to open my mind just a little more these days.The psycology/psychiatry field, and 12Step programs, call the stuff that we learned as children, the stuff that still rattles through our heads "old tapes." I understand the concept. I even thought I knew how divisive the "old tapes" could be. That is until "RELAPSE." Okay, "Recycling" as Melody Beattie calls it.
Those "old tapes," the ones I thought I had almost gotten rid of, came back in full force. I forgot to erase them! They were there, lurking under all the great "new tapes" I had made.
So now I am on a journey to "reprogram." Sounds like I am a computer that got a virus downloaded while surfing the net. Well, our brains are like computers in so many ways, it is almost scary. And yes, they need reprograming sometimes.
I am reprograming by erasing the old tapes, and creating specific new tapes to rattle around up there. It is very precise. It is very deliberate. And it makes a lot of common sense. If all you heard as a kid was that you were "a pain in the ass," or you "disgusted" your mom, or that "everything you did was wrong," and what you didn't do was "your fault too," you'd have a lot of bad old tapes rattling through your head too; lurking below the surface, ready to spring up and play themselves over and over, just to keep the status quo.
You know that"familiar" is more "comfortable" than "better and unknown," don't you? So, off you go old tapes. I am doing Affirmations now! I am giving myself permission to be stuck, but acknowledging that I don't want to be stuck. I am acknowledging my "stuckness." (Is that a word?...I just made it one.) And I am "rewiring" my brain to think the glass is half full rather than half empty. Let me tell you, the old brain doesn't want to cooperate. But I am stronger.
So if you've got some old tapes rattling around in your head, ones that tell you you're a loser, not worth anything, and that no one really loves you, then try reprograming your brain with some affirmations, some good tapes to play in the background (and don't forget an Attitude of Gratitude either).
I'll let you know how its coming along in a few months.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The New (Me) Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know that one is me!
Saw this on a blackboard in a diner I visited with friends. I just had to write it down. It is so profound.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Waiting
What is it about waiting? Waiting for a call. Waiting for a check in the mail. Waiting for a friend to come by. Waiting for a job. Waiting, waiting, waiting. How do you know when to wait and when to push ahead?
I've been told that God gives three (3) answers to our prayers: "Yes" "No" and "Wait." Sometimes, though, he doesn't seem to be saying anything at all, not even "wait."
I don't do waiting very well. I get "antsy", anxious, a little afraid....
No matter what I am waiting on, I just don't do waiting very well. I guess that's why its one of those continuing lessons God teaches me over and over. I wish I could learn the art of waiting. I wish I knew the secret, the trick, to waiting patiently and calmly.
How do you wait patiently? How do you wait calmly? How long do you wait?
When do you stop waiting and start doing something again? When do you go a different direction? When do you decide you've been on the wrong path? How do you wait graciously?
I guess I will have to wait on the answer as well.
Sincerely,
Still Waiting
I've been told that God gives three (3) answers to our prayers: "Yes" "No" and "Wait." Sometimes, though, he doesn't seem to be saying anything at all, not even "wait."
I don't do waiting very well. I get "antsy", anxious, a little afraid....
No matter what I am waiting on, I just don't do waiting very well. I guess that's why its one of those continuing lessons God teaches me over and over. I wish I could learn the art of waiting. I wish I knew the secret, the trick, to waiting patiently and calmly.
How do you wait patiently? How do you wait calmly? How long do you wait?
When do you stop waiting and start doing something again? When do you go a different direction? When do you decide you've been on the wrong path? How do you wait graciously?
I guess I will have to wait on the answer as well.
Sincerely,
Still Waiting
Vulnerability
"I've learned that the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more in control of myself I really am." - Anonymous
Many of us feel that we can only show our strong, confident side. We believe the face we have to show the world should always be one of politeness, perfection, calm, strength, and control.
While it is certainly good and often appropriate to be in control, calm, and strong, there is another side to all of us - that part of us that feels needy, becomes frightened, has doubts, feels unloved and unwanted, and gets angry. That part of us that needs care, love and reassurrance that things will be okay. Expressing these needs makes us vulnerable and less than perfect, but this side needs our acceptance too.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable (with others) will help us build lasting relationships. Sharing our vulnerablilities helps us feel close to people, and helps others feel close to us. It helps us grow in self-love and self-acceptance. It helps us become healing agents. It allows us to become whole and accessible to others.
"Today, I will allow myself to be vulnerable with others when it's safe and appropriate to do so."
(Figuring out when it is safe to be vulnerable with others is my problem, but God is working on that in me as well.)
From "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
Many of us feel that we can only show our strong, confident side. We believe the face we have to show the world should always be one of politeness, perfection, calm, strength, and control.
While it is certainly good and often appropriate to be in control, calm, and strong, there is another side to all of us - that part of us that feels needy, becomes frightened, has doubts, feels unloved and unwanted, and gets angry. That part of us that needs care, love and reassurrance that things will be okay. Expressing these needs makes us vulnerable and less than perfect, but this side needs our acceptance too.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable (with others) will help us build lasting relationships. Sharing our vulnerablilities helps us feel close to people, and helps others feel close to us. It helps us grow in self-love and self-acceptance. It helps us become healing agents. It allows us to become whole and accessible to others.
"Today, I will allow myself to be vulnerable with others when it's safe and appropriate to do so."
(Figuring out when it is safe to be vulnerable with others is my problem, but God is working on that in me as well.)
From "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
Owning Our Power in Relationships
So many repressed memories have materialized over the past few months that I feel as if I am starting recovery from the very beginning again. I feel the horrific feelings of abuse and neglect from childhood, the feelings of no self-worth or value, of not feeling loved or wanted by parents or friends, and now there are new memories and feelings to add to them.
I have worked so hard for so long on so many issues, it almost seems unfair for someone to have to go back time and time again to deal with more and more abuse from childhood. Or for it to permeate my life to the extent that it does, waging war on friendships and relationships, and my idea of who I am, and my worth and value.
But I am learning that there is a process that I must expect, and work within, in life, in order to continue to heal and recover. And that this is a life-long process, a real journey into the self, into continual recovery & healing. And God is my guide, my instructor, my protector, my friend, my Higher Power.
This is a meditation I read on August 3rd. Again, God has perfect timing in these areas. I thought I would share it with you, as it has spoken to me so profoundly.
"So much of what I call my codependency is fear and panic because I spend so much of my life feeling abused, trapped, (hurt & unloved) and not knowing how to take care of myself in relationships." - Anonymous
No matter how long we have been recovering, we may still tend to give up our power to others, whether they be authority figures, a new love, a friend, or a child.
When we do this, we experience the set of emotions and thoughts we call "the codependent crazies." We may feel angry, guilty, afraid, confused, and obsessed. We may feel dependent and needy, or become overly controlling and rigid. We may return to familiar behaviors during times of stress. And for those of us who have codependency and adult-child (codependency-alcohol/drug abuse...) issues, relationships can mean great stress.
We don't have to stay stuck in our codependency. We don't have to shame or blame ourselves, or the other person, for our condition. We simply need to recognize what is happening and remember to own our power.
Practice, practice, practice. Practice using your power to take care of yourself, no matter who you are dealing with, where you are, or what you are doing. This is what recovery means. This does not mean we try to control others; it does not mean we become abrasive or abusive. It means we own our power to take care of ourselves (emotionally, spiritually, physically, relationally, psychologically).
The thought of doing this may generate fears. That's normal! Take care of yourself anyway. The answers, and the power to do that, are within you now. Start today. Start where you are. Start by taking care of who you are, at the present moment, to the best of your ability.
"Today, I will focus on owning my power to take care of myself. I will not let fears, hurts, or a false sense of guilt or shame, stop me from taking care of myself."
From "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
(For those of you who do not understand the full and complex concept of owning your own power, please visit a CoDA or Al-Anon, or any other 12-Step Meeting.)
I have worked so hard for so long on so many issues, it almost seems unfair for someone to have to go back time and time again to deal with more and more abuse from childhood. Or for it to permeate my life to the extent that it does, waging war on friendships and relationships, and my idea of who I am, and my worth and value.
But I am learning that there is a process that I must expect, and work within, in life, in order to continue to heal and recover. And that this is a life-long process, a real journey into the self, into continual recovery & healing. And God is my guide, my instructor, my protector, my friend, my Higher Power.
This is a meditation I read on August 3rd. Again, God has perfect timing in these areas. I thought I would share it with you, as it has spoken to me so profoundly.
"So much of what I call my codependency is fear and panic because I spend so much of my life feeling abused, trapped, (hurt & unloved) and not knowing how to take care of myself in relationships." - Anonymous
No matter how long we have been recovering, we may still tend to give up our power to others, whether they be authority figures, a new love, a friend, or a child.
When we do this, we experience the set of emotions and thoughts we call "the codependent crazies." We may feel angry, guilty, afraid, confused, and obsessed. We may feel dependent and needy, or become overly controlling and rigid. We may return to familiar behaviors during times of stress. And for those of us who have codependency and adult-child (codependency-alcohol/drug abuse...) issues, relationships can mean great stress.
We don't have to stay stuck in our codependency. We don't have to shame or blame ourselves, or the other person, for our condition. We simply need to recognize what is happening and remember to own our power.
Practice, practice, practice. Practice using your power to take care of yourself, no matter who you are dealing with, where you are, or what you are doing. This is what recovery means. This does not mean we try to control others; it does not mean we become abrasive or abusive. It means we own our power to take care of ourselves (emotionally, spiritually, physically, relationally, psychologically).
The thought of doing this may generate fears. That's normal! Take care of yourself anyway. The answers, and the power to do that, are within you now. Start today. Start where you are. Start by taking care of who you are, at the present moment, to the best of your ability.
"Today, I will focus on owning my power to take care of myself. I will not let fears, hurts, or a false sense of guilt or shame, stop me from taking care of myself."
From "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
(For those of you who do not understand the full and complex concept of owning your own power, please visit a CoDA or Al-Anon, or any other 12-Step Meeting.)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Finding Direction - Purpose & Meaning
So many times my Higher Power, God, has such perfect timing, that I am awed by the experience. Here is an example: I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life. - Anonymous
We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can help our Higher Power give direction and purpose to our life by setting goals. We can set goals annually, monthly, or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves. We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.
Today, I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life, rather than letting others control my life and affairs.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Comment: You may think I posted this because of the goal concept the meditation speaks to, but I didn't. I kinda even disagree with the concept the way it is presentedher, that we are our own ship's captain (I can explain that later) I posted it because of the part about one's life having purpose and meaning.
Lately I have wondered if my life had any purpose or meaning. Lately I have wondered why I couldn't see any purpose or meaning to my life. If I judge my life based on the world's ideas about purpose and meaning, then I can become a very depressed individual. It seems to me that based on that perspective, my life has no purpose or meaning. I can't say I have achieved very much in my numerous years. I can't say I have a lot to show for my life. I can't show you a wonderful career, or even a great job really right now. I can't show you a beautiful home, one that belongs on the cover of Architectual Digest or Design, as I had imagined when I was younger. I can't even show you a home I would consider inviting most people to...its a work in progress you see, and a big work it is. I can't show you a savings account or an IRA or stocks and bonds...well not anymore. I can't show you a handsome husband who works on Wall Street, or at least Tryon Street, or drop-dead gorgeous kids wearing the latest fashions. I can't show you the latest model of BM'er or Merc or Rolls, and I can't show you pictures of the vacation at Vale or the Alps, or a warmer location like the Bermuda, Jamaca, or Argentina.
I can't show you any of those things, so does my life have purpose and meaning? Ask God. He's really the one in charge, the one with the plan, the one calling the shots, the one with the direction map. I can make all the goals I want, and I know I need to set goals, and I do set goals, but God is the one in control, and I am just trying to get on the right road, going in the right direction. No, I can't show you a life that has purpose and meaning the way the world understands it, or the way I used to understand it for that matter. I can only show you a person who has failed more times than won, with more disappointment than triumph, with less this year than last, and who is just beginning to understand the real meaning of that age old saying "Life is a journey." All I know is that it truely is and mine has not turned out as expected. I won't die with the most toys, but maybe I will die with a little wisdom, some empathy for my fellow man, and a little compassion for myself. If I can do that, then I guess my life may have some meaning and purpose after all.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Relapse
From "Beyond Codependency" 
Recovery is a process. Within that process is another one called relapse. Regression, reverting, slips - whatever we call it - any diagram we use to represent growth and recovery needs to accomodate it.
In spite of our best efforts to stay on track, we sometimes find ourselves reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better.
Relapse can sneak up on us, linger, and become as confusing as our original codependency. For many reasons we can find ourselves using coping behaviors we thought we had outgrown/recovered from. We start neglecting ourselves, taking care of others, feeling victimized, freezing feelings, overreacting, trying to control, feeling dependent on others, needy, guilty, afraid, obligated, depressed, deprived, undeserving, and even trapped. The "codependent crazies" come back, and we feel neck deep in shame.
No need to feel shame. I've questioned thousands of recovering people. No one ever claimed a perfect recovery. "I felt disconnected from people - all alone in the world, " stated Charlene, a recovering codependent.
Relapse happens to many of us. Relapse happens to people who have been recovering for ten months, and for ten years. It happens not because we're deficient or lackasadasical. Relapse happens because it's a normal part of the recovery process. In fact, it's so normal that I'm not going to call it relapse. I'm going to call it "recycling."
"Relapse sounds like going all the way back to where we started from - square one on the game board," explains Scott Egleston, a therapist. "We don't go all the way back. When we finish a recycling process, we move to a progressed location on our recovery journey." Relapse can be a necessary part of recovery. Recycling is a chance to do our recovery work. It's a way to discover what we need to work on and work through. It's one way we figure out what we haven't yet learned, so we can start to learn the new lesson. It's a way to solidify what we've already learned. Recycling is about learning our lessons so we can move forward on our journey.
We can get uncomfortable when a relationship gets too close and too good. Crisis and chaos may not feel good, but those things can feel comfortable (to codependents). Sometimes, we get so anxious waiting for the formidable other shoe to drop that we take it off and toss it ourselves.
There are many reasons for recycling in relationships. Sometimes the relationship is over, but we're not ready to end it. Sometimes the relationship needs to be enjoyed, but we're too frightenened to do that. Sometimes we're making chaos to avoid intimacy. Sometimes falling in love can resemble codependency; as boundaries weaken, we focus on the other person and have a sense of loss of control. Sometimes what we call "codependent behaviors" are a normal part of intimate or close relationships.
Relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road. Taking good care of ourselves doesn't mean we avoid relationships. The goal of recovery is learning how to function in relationsips. The task during recycling is to relax and let ourselves learn whatever we need to learn.
"How long do I need to keep working at recovery?" asked one woman. "All my life, I guess," she says, answering her own question.
Sometimes our old reactions appear for no reason. Sometimes recycling is part of the process as we struggle to acquire new behaviors and shed old, self-defeating ones. Getting sick, or becoming overly tired can trigger codependent reactions in us. Stress - from today and stress from yesterday - can trigger our codependency. Our instinctive reaction to stressful situations can be to neglect ourselves.
Innoculous events that remind us of past traumatic events can also trigger our codependency. "Once a person has been overwhelmed by traumatic events, he or she is susceptible to sudden reemergence of the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that were present during the trauma," Cermak writes in "Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence." "This reemergence is most likely to occur when the individual is faced with something which symbolically represents the original trauma - a "trigger."
Triggers remind our subconscious of a traumatic event, causing codependent feelings and behaviors to emerge. This can include (list not all inclusive):
Feeling anxious or afraid
Freezing feelings, or "going numb"
Focusing on others and neglecting ourselves
Attempting to control things, events, and people
Experiencing sudden low self-worth
or Any of the codependent behaviors or feelings we did or felt during the actual event.
We automatically start reacting and protecting ourselves. Almost anything can be a trigger. A few are:
Conflict
The threat of someone leaving us, even if we want him or her to leave
Confrontation
Paying bills
Hearing a certain song...
Anything connected with, resembling, or representing a past traumatic experience can be a trigger...even falling in love.
"I know how to cope with emergencies, tragedy, and disappointment," confides a recovering woman. "I don't know how to deal with success, peace, or loving relationships. Those things are uncomfortable. I get scared. I wonder what bad thing is going to happen next to mess things up. Some terrible thing always did happen in the past. Its difficult for me to believe I deserve good things. It's even harder for me to believe good things can last."
Changing circumstances can cause us to recycle. Changing jobs, moving, ending a relationship, the threat of ending a relationship, starting a relationship, a change in finances, or a shift in routine can be unnerving. Even a desirable change brings a sense of loss. Most of us have been through so much change and loss in our lives that we don't want to go through any more.
"I still have bad days, but that's okay. I used to have bad years." - Anonymous
Recycling can mean a momentary lapse into our old behaviors, or recycling can lead to more serious problems: depression, use of mood-altering chemicals to cope, or physical illness. Codependency is progressive, recycling can be too. We can get stuck, spin our wheels, then discover we've gotten ourselved more deeply entrenched in the muck. Whether our recycling experience lasts six minutes or six months, our instinctive reaction is usually one of denial, shame, and self-neglect. We get out, or through a recycling process by practicing acceptance, self-compassion, and self-care. These attitudes and behaviors may not come as effortlessly as denial, shame and neglect.
Catagories of Reactions in Recycling:
Emotions Shut Down
Compulsive Behaviors Return
Victim Self-Image Returns
Self-Worth Drops
Self-Neglect Starts
The Crazies Return
The Behaviors Return Too
We Feel Trapped
Chronic Illness May Return
We've spent years practicing denial, shame and neglect. But we can learn to practice healthier alternatives, even when it feels awkward.
After we've finally identified a return to our old ways, the next step is simple. We say, "Oops! I'm doing that again." This is called Acceptance & Honesty! It's helpful to return to concepts like powerlessness and unmanageability at this time. If we're working a Twelve Step program, this is a good time to work Step One again. This is called Surrender. Counseling may help. Now comes the potentially difficult part. We tell ourselves, "Its all okay, I did it again." This is called Self-compassion.
Exerpts from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie
Recovery is a process. Within that process is another one called relapse. Regression, reverting, slips - whatever we call it - any diagram we use to represent growth and recovery needs to accomodate it.
In spite of our best efforts to stay on track, we sometimes find ourselves reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better.
Relapse can sneak up on us, linger, and become as confusing as our original codependency. For many reasons we can find ourselves using coping behaviors we thought we had outgrown/recovered from. We start neglecting ourselves, taking care of others, feeling victimized, freezing feelings, overreacting, trying to control, feeling dependent on others, needy, guilty, afraid, obligated, depressed, deprived, undeserving, and even trapped. The "codependent crazies" come back, and we feel neck deep in shame.
No need to feel shame. I've questioned thousands of recovering people. No one ever claimed a perfect recovery. "I felt disconnected from people - all alone in the world, " stated Charlene, a recovering codependent.
Relapse happens to many of us. Relapse happens to people who have been recovering for ten months, and for ten years. It happens not because we're deficient or lackasadasical. Relapse happens because it's a normal part of the recovery process. In fact, it's so normal that I'm not going to call it relapse. I'm going to call it "recycling."
"Relapse sounds like going all the way back to where we started from - square one on the game board," explains Scott Egleston, a therapist. "We don't go all the way back. When we finish a recycling process, we move to a progressed location on our recovery journey." Relapse can be a necessary part of recovery. Recycling is a chance to do our recovery work. It's a way to discover what we need to work on and work through. It's one way we figure out what we haven't yet learned, so we can start to learn the new lesson. It's a way to solidify what we've already learned. Recycling is about learning our lessons so we can move forward on our journey.
We can get uncomfortable when a relationship gets too close and too good. Crisis and chaos may not feel good, but those things can feel comfortable (to codependents). Sometimes, we get so anxious waiting for the formidable other shoe to drop that we take it off and toss it ourselves.
There are many reasons for recycling in relationships. Sometimes the relationship is over, but we're not ready to end it. Sometimes the relationship needs to be enjoyed, but we're too frightenened to do that. Sometimes we're making chaos to avoid intimacy. Sometimes falling in love can resemble codependency; as boundaries weaken, we focus on the other person and have a sense of loss of control. Sometimes what we call "codependent behaviors" are a normal part of intimate or close relationships.
Relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road. Taking good care of ourselves doesn't mean we avoid relationships. The goal of recovery is learning how to function in relationsips. The task during recycling is to relax and let ourselves learn whatever we need to learn.
"How long do I need to keep working at recovery?" asked one woman. "All my life, I guess," she says, answering her own question.
Sometimes our old reactions appear for no reason. Sometimes recycling is part of the process as we struggle to acquire new behaviors and shed old, self-defeating ones. Getting sick, or becoming overly tired can trigger codependent reactions in us. Stress - from today and stress from yesterday - can trigger our codependency. Our instinctive reaction to stressful situations can be to neglect ourselves.
Innoculous events that remind us of past traumatic events can also trigger our codependency. "Once a person has been overwhelmed by traumatic events, he or she is susceptible to sudden reemergence of the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that were present during the trauma," Cermak writes in "Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence." "This reemergence is most likely to occur when the individual is faced with something which symbolically represents the original trauma - a "trigger."
Triggers remind our subconscious of a traumatic event, causing codependent feelings and behaviors to emerge. This can include (list not all inclusive):
Feeling anxious or afraid
Freezing feelings, or "going numb"
Focusing on others and neglecting ourselves
Attempting to control things, events, and people
Experiencing sudden low self-worth
or Any of the codependent behaviors or feelings we did or felt during the actual event.
We automatically start reacting and protecting ourselves. Almost anything can be a trigger. A few are:
Conflict
The threat of someone leaving us, even if we want him or her to leave
Confrontation
Paying bills
Hearing a certain song...
Anything connected with, resembling, or representing a past traumatic experience can be a trigger...even falling in love.
"I know how to cope with emergencies, tragedy, and disappointment," confides a recovering woman. "I don't know how to deal with success, peace, or loving relationships. Those things are uncomfortable. I get scared. I wonder what bad thing is going to happen next to mess things up. Some terrible thing always did happen in the past. Its difficult for me to believe I deserve good things. It's even harder for me to believe good things can last."
Changing circumstances can cause us to recycle. Changing jobs, moving, ending a relationship, the threat of ending a relationship, starting a relationship, a change in finances, or a shift in routine can be unnerving. Even a desirable change brings a sense of loss. Most of us have been through so much change and loss in our lives that we don't want to go through any more.
"I still have bad days, but that's okay. I used to have bad years." - Anonymous
Recycling can mean a momentary lapse into our old behaviors, or recycling can lead to more serious problems: depression, use of mood-altering chemicals to cope, or physical illness. Codependency is progressive, recycling can be too. We can get stuck, spin our wheels, then discover we've gotten ourselved more deeply entrenched in the muck. Whether our recycling experience lasts six minutes or six months, our instinctive reaction is usually one of denial, shame, and self-neglect. We get out, or through a recycling process by practicing acceptance, self-compassion, and self-care. These attitudes and behaviors may not come as effortlessly as denial, shame and neglect.
Catagories of Reactions in Recycling:
Emotions Shut Down
Compulsive Behaviors Return
Victim Self-Image Returns
Self-Worth Drops
Self-Neglect Starts
The Crazies Return
The Behaviors Return Too
We Feel Trapped
Chronic Illness May Return
We've spent years practicing denial, shame and neglect. But we can learn to practice healthier alternatives, even when it feels awkward.
After we've finally identified a return to our old ways, the next step is simple. We say, "Oops! I'm doing that again." This is called Acceptance & Honesty! It's helpful to return to concepts like powerlessness and unmanageability at this time. If we're working a Twelve Step program, this is a good time to work Step One again. This is called Surrender. Counseling may help. Now comes the potentially difficult part. We tell ourselves, "Its all okay, I did it again." This is called Self-compassion.
Exerpts from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie
Saturday, July 19, 2008
MORE LATER...
(I took this off the blog for awhile, ashamed that I was feeling/thinking this way. I'm learning about Relapse now, and the need for Self-Love, and Self-Acceptance all over again. If I have to feel ashamed for having problems because of years of emotional and psychological abuse & neglect, then I am not working my program, and I am allowing others to dictate how I feel about myself. I am not willing to do that. That is a sick system, and I refuse to become tangled up in that again. So here is my posting from two weeks ago, with its reality, as reality is.)
First off I will tell you that this will be an ongoing blog post. It has to be.
I am in the process of processing. I am going to counseling again. I am pulling away layers of the onion that I thought I had pulled away already. Down to the core I thought I was. But there is more to go through.
Or maybe this is a new onion. Maybe this is a different variety of onion, a Bermuda or a Hardy Yellow, that now I am beginning to tear away the layers of...once again in my life.
You know, you think you've dealt with all the shit in your past. You've gone to counselor after counselor over the years, and you've poured your heart out so many times, and you've cried ten billion tears, and you've written a hundred letters that you don't intend to mail.
And then you find yourself dealing with something new, something you never knew about, something you didn't expect, something you didn't remember...until now. Its called "repressed memories." And there is More Later.
And your life seems to be all screwed up again. And the pain seems to be just as cutting and intense. And the problems this all causes seem to be just as damaging to your life and friendships and relationships and future as the first time you began to face your past. And then there is more later.
I wish I had realized just how true the statements were that I have heard in 12Step meetings. I have been told that "there is always more layers, more to deal with." It may not be as hard, or as life-shattering, but there will always be more to deal with...another layer to pull back and examine, another layer to journey through...that you are always working on yourself, until you reach perfection (in God) in heaven.
As I begin on this new journey into my past, my self, I realize I have been given new tools to work with, and God has provided a new guide. This will be hard. This will be painful. This will be lonely. But I have some old tools to help, and now I am being given some new tools to use along the way on this journey. I can start again. I have done it before. And with God by my side, I will succeed.
Life is a journey, and I will treasure the hard and the smooth times. "THIS TOO SHALL PASS."
And there is MORE LATER...
First off I will tell you that this will be an ongoing blog post. It has to be.
I am in the process of processing. I am going to counseling again. I am pulling away layers of the onion that I thought I had pulled away already. Down to the core I thought I was. But there is more to go through.
Or maybe this is a new onion. Maybe this is a different variety of onion, a Bermuda or a Hardy Yellow, that now I am beginning to tear away the layers of...once again in my life.
You know, you think you've dealt with all the shit in your past. You've gone to counselor after counselor over the years, and you've poured your heart out so many times, and you've cried ten billion tears, and you've written a hundred letters that you don't intend to mail.
And then you find yourself dealing with something new, something you never knew about, something you didn't expect, something you didn't remember...until now. Its called "repressed memories." And there is More Later.
And your life seems to be all screwed up again. And the pain seems to be just as cutting and intense. And the problems this all causes seem to be just as damaging to your life and friendships and relationships and future as the first time you began to face your past. And then there is more later.
I wish I had realized just how true the statements were that I have heard in 12Step meetings. I have been told that "there is always more layers, more to deal with." It may not be as hard, or as life-shattering, but there will always be more to deal with...another layer to pull back and examine, another layer to journey through...that you are always working on yourself, until you reach perfection (in God) in heaven.
As I begin on this new journey into my past, my self, I realize I have been given new tools to work with, and God has provided a new guide. This will be hard. This will be painful. This will be lonely. But I have some old tools to help, and now I am being given some new tools to use along the way on this journey. I can start again. I have done it before. And with God by my side, I will succeed.
Life is a journey, and I will treasure the hard and the smooth times. "THIS TOO SHALL PASS."
And there is MORE LATER...
Mr. Bluebird
Its been three days since I saw him. For the past four months he has been there every time I stopped by. Just hanging around, watching, taking in the scenery.
He's blue, but he makes my heart sing. He's the bluebird that nested and raised a family in my mailbox. I watched him make that nest. I even tore it out of the mailbox four or five times before he got it completed and moved his girlfriend in.
One weekend I forgot to go to the mailbox for two or three days, and what did I find when I grabbed the pine needles and started to pull them out? A nest of three small baby blue eggs, and that was that. I visited the mailbox every day (He had built the nest under the box in the newspaper shoot) after the mailman or mailwoman had made their rounds.
There I would find hovering over my head a bright blue and gold warrior, protecting his home and family. I would sing to him, "Good morning Mr. Bluebird, good morning Mr. Blue." and he would chirp.
I got to see the tiny heads with open yellow beaks waiting for mommy or daddy bluebird to bring breakfast, lunch or dinner. I was witness to tiny feathered flights of fancy, as they learned how to fly, and began to sore with their parents. And I got to visit the mailbox every day and hear the hovering wings above my head, my bluebird, protecting his nest.
Three days ago he was gone. No hovering. No chirping. No Mr. bluebird. In fact, I havent seen any bluebirds in three or four days. Have they migrated south before the Indian Summer sets in? Have they moved on, to find homes of their own in other places? Are they on vacation? When will they return? I long for my bluebird, and the fanciful flight of feathered wings above my head when I visit my mailbox each day to retrieve my mail. Where have you gone Mr. Bluebird?
He's blue, but he makes my heart sing. He's the bluebird that nested and raised a family in my mailbox. I watched him make that nest. I even tore it out of the mailbox four or five times before he got it completed and moved his girlfriend in.
One weekend I forgot to go to the mailbox for two or three days, and what did I find when I grabbed the pine needles and started to pull them out? A nest of three small baby blue eggs, and that was that. I visited the mailbox every day (He had built the nest under the box in the newspaper shoot) after the mailman or mailwoman had made their rounds.
There I would find hovering over my head a bright blue and gold warrior, protecting his home and family. I would sing to him, "Good morning Mr. Bluebird, good morning Mr. Blue." and he would chirp.
I got to see the tiny heads with open yellow beaks waiting for mommy or daddy bluebird to bring breakfast, lunch or dinner. I was witness to tiny feathered flights of fancy, as they learned how to fly, and began to sore with their parents. And I got to visit the mailbox every day and hear the hovering wings above my head, my bluebird, protecting his nest.
Three days ago he was gone. No hovering. No chirping. No Mr. bluebird. In fact, I havent seen any bluebirds in three or four days. Have they migrated south before the Indian Summer sets in? Have they moved on, to find homes of their own in other places? Are they on vacation? When will they return? I long for my bluebird, and the fanciful flight of feathered wings above my head when I visit my mailbox each day to retrieve my mail. Where have you gone Mr. Bluebird?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The Dragonfly Blessing
Today I saw the dragonfly 
come from the wells where he did lie.
An inner impulse rent the veil of his old husk;
from head to tail came out clear plates of sapphire mail.
He dried his wings;
like gauze they grew;
through crofts and pastures
wet with dew
a living flash of light he flew.
- "The Two Voices," Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 1833
The cool of the morning beckoned me into the mist. The mystery of a quiet morning after a soft rain the night before always calls to me.
I have always loved walking. Cool mornings in the spring or the fall are my favorite. I decided to take the dogs with me. They needed exercise as much as I did. Zeke and I went first. His arthritis slows us down, and first thing in the morning is exactly when I need the slow pace of an old dog. I need to ease into my day. Zoe and I walked next. These are my last two Chow Chows. I have had as many as six in the house with me at once. All but Zoe, rescued dogs, some abused more than others.
As we walked quietly in the morning mist, we weaved in and out of the grass of neighbor’s yards, she smelling leaves and trees and grass. All of a sudden a winged creature took flight. A dragonfly Zoe had disturbed as she walked through the grass. It fluttered up into the air, and then to my surprise, it fluttered back to earth and lit on the grass again.
I was enthralled. I love dragonflies. I love the siloette, and the coloring, and the variety. I love the mystery of this ancient creature, over 180 million years, evidence of which predates the dinosaur.
I love the myths and legends of the dragonfly, mentioned in all cultures throughout the world. Believed to be a blessing by some, and a curse by others, he flies where he pleases.
"All insects were regarded as mysterious agents of the gods and spirits, notably, butterflies, moths, crickets and dragonflies. The Dragonfly was considered the shadow of Hiro, the god of thieves. It was a god that flew and halted before and behind. It was carried by thieves in their clothes, so that when they entered the dwelling of those they wished to rob, they would let the dragonfly go, and it would daze the inhabitants so that they would not notice they were being robbed." (Teuira Henry)
It was thought in Europe, where the dragonfly was associated with children, for example, that if a child were to lie, the devil's-darning-needle, the dragonfly, would sew up his/her mouth. The devil's-darning-needle was also believed to sew the toes together of someone sleeping if they did not cover their feet.
The dragonfly of Europe also had long associations with the world of faeries. The "wee ones" of Ireland were thought to use dragonflies as their steeds. In the past, the dragonfly was called upon to cast love spells, as a representative of chance and games, it is the sign of the gambler - but like Lady Luck, dragonfly tends to be fickle.
In North American Indian lore, the dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, representing the messages of wisdom and enlightenment; and communication from the elemental world. The dragonfly possesses the ability to see through illusion. They bring prosperity and harmony. The dragonfly totem teaches skillful action while maintaining a free and joyful sense of being. The dragonfly brings the light and color of transformation into one’s life.
The Navaho Indians believe the dragonfly to be symbolic of water purity and reflect it in many of the textiles and jewelry they design. One of most delightful stories about the dragonfly is a Zuni myth about two children who were left behind by the villagers when the corn crop failed. The little boy constructed a toy dragonfly from corn husks to cheer up his sister. The dragonfly eventually came to life and appeased the corn maidens who created a bountiful harvest of corn to welcome the villagers back. The Navaho also believe the dragonfly symbolizes renewal after a long hardship.
Dragonflies are popular symbols in Plains Indian cultures, appearing on the clothing of the Sun Dance and the Ghost Dance as decorative features. In the Southwest, dragonflies are associated with the game animals, water, fertility and curing.
The Chinese and Japanese also have long revered dragonflies as holy animals. The Japanese see the dragonfly as symbols of courage, strength, and happiness. They appear often in art and literature. In Japan, dragonflies symbolize victory in battle as well. Legend has it that the Emperor of Japan was once bitten by a horsefly that was later eaten by a dragonfly. To honor the dragonfly, he named Japan "Akitsushima," or "the Isles of the Dragonfly." Today, Japan is a global leader in the study of dragonflies. It even has a scientific journal dedicated solely to the dragonfly. In Japan and other parts of Asia and the East Indies, dragonflies are considered a delicacy.
Within Celtic culture, animal-totems of the May Tree include the dragonfly, which is traditionally linked to love and sexuality. After the 1700’s dragonflies began to appear in the carvings of church buildings and altars. Their beauty and mystery seen as a symbol of God’s mysterious creative power.
The dragonfly symbolizes going past self-created illusions that limit our growth and change. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. American Indians believe to be touched by a dragonfly is to be blessed by God.
Stooping down, I studied this fantastic creature whose ancestors flew the earth before the dinosaur roamed the land. What possessed me, I still do not know. But I could not help myself from getting closer and closer. The dragonfly’s wings were closed, and I wanted to see him open his wings. I blew on him softly, and he opened his wings, then closed them again. I did this two more times, and on the third time, he suddenly flew up into the air, then seemed to loose his balance and flipped over onto his back, his feet clawing the air.
Believing he must be at the end of his life cycle, or possibly hurt, I reasoned that he would be easy prey if left in this condition. Again, with no reasonable thought, I placed my finger near his legs to see if he would grab hold so that I could turn him upright. Were there thought of a stick or a twig, I do not recall.
To my surprise he did grab hold, and crawled up my finger til he almost reached my knuckle. He just sat there staring at me, and me at him. I was mesmerized. There was a dragonfly sitting on my finger.
His neon green eyes stared up at me. His large purple-tinted black wings were open and there was an oval shaped white dot at the top of each of the larger top wings. Like large eyes they glistened up at me. His body was long and lean. I moved him closer to my face to see his structure and to admire his coloring. He sat there looking at me, me at him.
For over three minutes I sat there, with dragonfly clamped to my finger. I studied him and he me. I felt an overwhelming sense of excitement come over me. I was one of the blessed. I was being given a beautiful experience, one the American Indian, whom I so admire, declared to be a blessing from God.
I felt excited. I felt alive. I felt exhilarated. I felt blessed.
Today I was given a blessing by God. I communed with the dragonfly. I touched the “fire-breathing” creature that has stirred so many cultures throughout the centuries. I touched a dragonfly. And he touched me.
Dragonfly
Hovering above the sky
Roaming free where liars lie
The Freedom
of a fire-breathing myth
above calm pools of water.
'Dragonfly' Ben Barton © 2001
come from the wells where he did lie.
An inner impulse rent the veil of his old husk;
from head to tail came out clear plates of sapphire mail.
He dried his wings;
like gauze they grew;
through crofts and pastures
wet with dew
a living flash of light he flew.
- "The Two Voices," Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 1833
The cool of the morning beckoned me into the mist. The mystery of a quiet morning after a soft rain the night before always calls to me.
I have always loved walking. Cool mornings in the spring or the fall are my favorite. I decided to take the dogs with me. They needed exercise as much as I did. Zeke and I went first. His arthritis slows us down, and first thing in the morning is exactly when I need the slow pace of an old dog. I need to ease into my day. Zoe and I walked next. These are my last two Chow Chows. I have had as many as six in the house with me at once. All but Zoe, rescued dogs, some abused more than others.
As we walked quietly in the morning mist, we weaved in and out of the grass of neighbor’s yards, she smelling leaves and trees and grass. All of a sudden a winged creature took flight. A dragonfly Zoe had disturbed as she walked through the grass. It fluttered up into the air, and then to my surprise, it fluttered back to earth and lit on the grass again.
I was enthralled. I love dragonflies. I love the siloette, and the coloring, and the variety. I love the mystery of this ancient creature, over 180 million years, evidence of which predates the dinosaur.
I love the myths and legends of the dragonfly, mentioned in all cultures throughout the world. Believed to be a blessing by some, and a curse by others, he flies where he pleases.
"All insects were regarded as mysterious agents of the gods and spirits, notably, butterflies, moths, crickets and dragonflies. The Dragonfly was considered the shadow of Hiro, the god of thieves. It was a god that flew and halted before and behind. It was carried by thieves in their clothes, so that when they entered the dwelling of those they wished to rob, they would let the dragonfly go, and it would daze the inhabitants so that they would not notice they were being robbed." (Teuira Henry)
It was thought in Europe, where the dragonfly was associated with children, for example, that if a child were to lie, the devil's-darning-needle, the dragonfly, would sew up his/her mouth. The devil's-darning-needle was also believed to sew the toes together of someone sleeping if they did not cover their feet.
The dragonfly of Europe also had long associations with the world of faeries. The "wee ones" of Ireland were thought to use dragonflies as their steeds. In the past, the dragonfly was called upon to cast love spells, as a representative of chance and games, it is the sign of the gambler - but like Lady Luck, dragonfly tends to be fickle.
In North American Indian lore, the dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, representing the messages of wisdom and enlightenment; and communication from the elemental world. The dragonfly possesses the ability to see through illusion. They bring prosperity and harmony. The dragonfly totem teaches skillful action while maintaining a free and joyful sense of being. The dragonfly brings the light and color of transformation into one’s life.
The Navaho Indians believe the dragonfly to be symbolic of water purity and reflect it in many of the textiles and jewelry they design. One of most delightful stories about the dragonfly is a Zuni myth about two children who were left behind by the villagers when the corn crop failed. The little boy constructed a toy dragonfly from corn husks to cheer up his sister. The dragonfly eventually came to life and appeased the corn maidens who created a bountiful harvest of corn to welcome the villagers back. The Navaho also believe the dragonfly symbolizes renewal after a long hardship.
Dragonflies are popular symbols in Plains Indian cultures, appearing on the clothing of the Sun Dance and the Ghost Dance as decorative features. In the Southwest, dragonflies are associated with the game animals, water, fertility and curing.
The Chinese and Japanese also have long revered dragonflies as holy animals. The Japanese see the dragonfly as symbols of courage, strength, and happiness. They appear often in art and literature. In Japan, dragonflies symbolize victory in battle as well. Legend has it that the Emperor of Japan was once bitten by a horsefly that was later eaten by a dragonfly. To honor the dragonfly, he named Japan "Akitsushima," or "the Isles of the Dragonfly." Today, Japan is a global leader in the study of dragonflies. It even has a scientific journal dedicated solely to the dragonfly. In Japan and other parts of Asia and the East Indies, dragonflies are considered a delicacy.
Within Celtic culture, animal-totems of the May Tree include the dragonfly, which is traditionally linked to love and sexuality. After the 1700’s dragonflies began to appear in the carvings of church buildings and altars. Their beauty and mystery seen as a symbol of God’s mysterious creative power.
The dragonfly symbolizes going past self-created illusions that limit our growth and change. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. American Indians believe to be touched by a dragonfly is to be blessed by God.
Stooping down, I studied this fantastic creature whose ancestors flew the earth before the dinosaur roamed the land. What possessed me, I still do not know. But I could not help myself from getting closer and closer. The dragonfly’s wings were closed, and I wanted to see him open his wings. I blew on him softly, and he opened his wings, then closed them again. I did this two more times, and on the third time, he suddenly flew up into the air, then seemed to loose his balance and flipped over onto his back, his feet clawing the air.
Believing he must be at the end of his life cycle, or possibly hurt, I reasoned that he would be easy prey if left in this condition. Again, with no reasonable thought, I placed my finger near his legs to see if he would grab hold so that I could turn him upright. Were there thought of a stick or a twig, I do not recall.
To my surprise he did grab hold, and crawled up my finger til he almost reached my knuckle. He just sat there staring at me, and me at him. I was mesmerized. There was a dragonfly sitting on my finger.
His neon green eyes stared up at me. His large purple-tinted black wings were open and there was an oval shaped white dot at the top of each of the larger top wings. Like large eyes they glistened up at me. His body was long and lean. I moved him closer to my face to see his structure and to admire his coloring. He sat there looking at me, me at him.
For over three minutes I sat there, with dragonfly clamped to my finger. I studied him and he me. I felt an overwhelming sense of excitement come over me. I was one of the blessed. I was being given a beautiful experience, one the American Indian, whom I so admire, declared to be a blessing from God.
I felt excited. I felt alive. I felt exhilarated. I felt blessed.
Today I was given a blessing by God. I communed with the dragonfly. I touched the “fire-breathing” creature that has stirred so many cultures throughout the centuries. I touched a dragonfly. And he touched me.
Dragonfly
Hovering above the sky
Roaming free where liars lie
The Freedom
of a fire-breathing myth
above calm pools of water.
'Dragonfly' Ben Barton © 2001
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Shooting in Charlotte
Today, I went on a photo shoot. A non-organized kinda thing, "organized" by an instructor who believes in everyone, and who openly gives of her time, talents, and gifts. I am amazed by her generosity, kindness, openness. She showed me how to use my camera, an old fashioned analog Pentax that my dad bought me when I was maybe 10 or so. I never really grabbed hold of the fever, and dad didn't have the energy to do much more than place it in my hands and show me the basics. Over a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich I got a mini lesson in photography. Amazing. Learning how to meter, focus and adjust the shutter opening. Beginning to understand the concepts of these three - wow. 
The group, six of us, squeezed into her station wagon, and off we went. We went to scrap yards and old delapidated buildings. We took shots of funky metal mounds of aluminum, and mountains of metal shavings, and tornados of coiled copper tubing. We shot buildings, and signs, and doors, and manhole covers, and broken out windows in abandoned houses, and wildflowers growing beside metal fences.
We spent time in silence, and time all talking at once. We ate lunch at a funky little market on a back street in Charlotte, and grabbed an ice cream at the Smelly Cat Coffee House. It was a day well spent.
Leaving was hard. Everyone wanted the sempatico to continue on throughout the night. But, alas, life calls, school calls, work calls, pets call, home calls. And this evening, as my energy wains, I crave genuine creative companionship and communication with like-minded people, and a tall glass of fine wine.
A Living Faith
I"VE DREAMED many dreams that never came true,
I've seen them vanish at dawn.
But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God,
TO MAKE ME WANT TO DREAM ON.
I'VE PRAYED many prayers when no answer came
Though I waited patiently and long,
But answers have come to enough of my prayers
TO MAKE ME KEEP PRAYING ON.
I'VE TRUSTED many a friend that failed,
And left me to weep alone,
But I've found enough of my friends to be true blue,
TO MAKE ME KEEP TRUSTING ON.
I'VE SOWN many seed that feel by the way
For the birds to feed upon,
But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hands
TO MAKE ME KEEP SOWING ON.
I'VE DRAINED the cup of disappointment and pain
And gone many days without song,
But I've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
TO MAKE ME WANT TO LIVE ON.
Hubert A. (Baldy) White
Mooresville, North Carolina
I've seen them vanish at dawn.
But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God,
TO MAKE ME WANT TO DREAM ON.
I'VE PRAYED many prayers when no answer came
Though I waited patiently and long,
But answers have come to enough of my prayers
TO MAKE ME KEEP PRAYING ON.
I'VE TRUSTED many a friend that failed,
And left me to weep alone,
But I've found enough of my friends to be true blue,
TO MAKE ME KEEP TRUSTING ON.
I'VE SOWN many seed that feel by the way
For the birds to feed upon,
But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hands
TO MAKE ME KEEP SOWING ON.
I'VE DRAINED the cup of disappointment and pain
And gone many days without song,
But I've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
TO MAKE ME WANT TO LIVE ON.
Hubert A. (Baldy) White
Mooresville, North Carolina
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Freedom Friday
I'm Free! I'm Free! Free to be Me!
Okay, not quiet that freeing. Today is Friday, and I just finished my last day of school for this semester. It's about 9:30pm and I didn't get home from class until about 8:30pm. I had two monster projects due and didn't get either one finished. But I have a really cool teacher, who looks at effort and "balls" (her expression/actually I am cleaning it up a little) and so I feel pretty good about my grade.
More than that, I feel pretty good about the classes. Prepress was hard, and if I had known the software better, I would have finished that class project, but KG will let me come to her house to work on it and perfect it for my future portfolio. Although I could have done better/learned more in my beginner's web design class, I have the books and will hopefully be taking a couple "Non-CPCC Classes" from "Jason's Web Design School" this summer, so I feel pretty okay about it as well. Either way, I can take them both over if I so desire.
Anyhow, I am free for the summer. Although I would like to take a few classes, probably a drawing class or a core class, I neither have the money for the classes, nor for the books or supplies. And the gas prices make it prohibitive as well for me this year. If I can just find a client/part-time employer who will work around my current part-time job and constantly changing school schedule, that will help my financial situation.
Only if I can bring in significantly more money will I be able to go back to school in the fall. Money right now is the defining factor - for just about everything. I need to get my computer upgraded by fall classes, or it will become even harder for me to utilize what I am learning in class. I need to be able to work on projects from home, experiment, work with online tutorials, play, in order for skills to stick. So far, no matter what I have had access to, I have failed to be able to have access to the software, except at my instructor's house. Thank God for her!
So my prayer for now involves more money, to make ends meet, and enable me to go back to school in the fall; to purchase an upgrade for my current computer, and to utilize this free time I do have to the best of my ability, painting one more bedroom, moving furniture, and beginning the paint job in the den/kitchen area. Now that will be a monster project.
Okay, not quiet that freeing. Today is Friday, and I just finished my last day of school for this semester. It's about 9:30pm and I didn't get home from class until about 8:30pm. I had two monster projects due and didn't get either one finished. But I have a really cool teacher, who looks at effort and "balls" (her expression/actually I am cleaning it up a little) and so I feel pretty good about my grade.
More than that, I feel pretty good about the classes. Prepress was hard, and if I had known the software better, I would have finished that class project, but KG will let me come to her house to work on it and perfect it for my future portfolio. Although I could have done better/learned more in my beginner's web design class, I have the books and will hopefully be taking a couple "Non-CPCC Classes" from "Jason's Web Design School" this summer, so I feel pretty okay about it as well. Either way, I can take them both over if I so desire.
Anyhow, I am free for the summer. Although I would like to take a few classes, probably a drawing class or a core class, I neither have the money for the classes, nor for the books or supplies. And the gas prices make it prohibitive as well for me this year. If I can just find a client/part-time employer who will work around my current part-time job and constantly changing school schedule, that will help my financial situation.
Only if I can bring in significantly more money will I be able to go back to school in the fall. Money right now is the defining factor - for just about everything. I need to get my computer upgraded by fall classes, or it will become even harder for me to utilize what I am learning in class. I need to be able to work on projects from home, experiment, work with online tutorials, play, in order for skills to stick. So far, no matter what I have had access to, I have failed to be able to have access to the software, except at my instructor's house. Thank God for her!
So my prayer for now involves more money, to make ends meet, and enable me to go back to school in the fall; to purchase an upgrade for my current computer, and to utilize this free time I do have to the best of my ability, painting one more bedroom, moving furniture, and beginning the paint job in the den/kitchen area. Now that will be a monster project.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Patience
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for.
Relax and trust.
Today, I will identify what I want and need; then I'll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.
(I will try!)
From: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
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