Are You a Toxic Person?

Do you know what I mean by "toxic" people? Its kind of hard to explain to someone who isn't in recovery yet. Toxic people pull on you emotionally. They hold your relationship ransom. If you do not act or respond the way they want you to, you will pay for it from now on.

They will remind you of any fault or misdeed every chance they get. They will hold it over your head, recount it, and tell everyone else of how you have failed them in some way. They will whine when you do not perform the way they imagined you should. They will pull on you emotionally and psychologically, forever wanting something you cannot give. They badger you, call incessantly, ask why you haven't called them back, and wonder why you don't want to call them back.

I have a limit to how much I can handle, and how much of my time I spend with these type of people. I actually begin to feel angry when faced with a toxic person now - and that's okay. Anger is a warning signal. Anger tells you to be careful or afraid of something or someone. Listen to your anger.

Before getting into recovery I did not know these people were toxic. I grew up with toxic parents. Our home was a stew of unrealistic expectations, hurt feelings, dashed hopes, and always, there was the never ending revenge to exact.

Sickness runs in familes. Until one gets some help, and "you" discover you are toxic as well. If you have an inkling that you are a toxic person, please talk to a counselor. There are even books on toxic people. Check one out to see if "someone you know" is a toxic person, and learn how to cope. If you discover you are a toxic person, think about this, "Maybe you wouldn't get your feelings so hurt if your expectations weren't so unrealistically high."

Friendship - No Strings Attached

I have an acquaintance who I have never really gotten to know very well, but I like as a person. Our friendship is kinda different. He is the husband of a "lost" girlfriend of mine...long story. Anyway, he is concerned about us becoming closer friends, since my girlfriend and I are astranged right now. I have told him not to be concerned about our being friends, in connection with my friendship with his wife, nor her new "significant other," also a "lost" friend. Our friendship does not hinge on either of these two people liking it, or on their feelings about the situation.

His and my friendship can exist outside of my friendship with other people. I hope I am more mature than to allow someone to control who I am friends with, and I hope my friends are more mature as well. He can have his feelings and opinions - from his personal point of view, and I will have mine from my point of view. We can always agree to disagree if necessary. And that is the mature way to handle such things.

I love my lost girlfriend very, very much. I love and care about the other lost friend very much as well. Their behavior does not change the fact that I love them, care about them, and want the very best for each of them (separately). I do not have to agree with the decisions they have made, to continue loving them and considering them friends, whether they feel that way about me now or not.

Feelings are fickle things, they come and go, they can change based on circumstances. They can change based on someone's own feelings of guilt and embarrishment. Love, real love, does not change, no matter what the person does. I still love my ex-husband very much, and will probably never find anyone else that I will care as deeply for, or have as strong a connection with. But that does not mean that I can live with him. He is a very emotionally and psychologically sick person, as I was at one time.

I got the counseling and help that I needed to move out of that sickness, and I cannot subject myself to that sickness any longer. He did not get the help he needed. He felt he did not have a problem (denial), but when I speak to him even today, I can tell he has not grown emotionally or psychologically, and still has a very sick way of looking at life and people. It saddens me that he is stuck in that place.

There are people who are sick and/or toxic, and without help, will never find peace and happiness. That does not mean I cannot still love them, even in their sickness. I pray for both these lost friends almost every day. I pray that they will seek the help they need to move out of their sick thinking (stinkin' thinkin'). I pray one day God will be able to push through the blanket of denial they are both hiding under. But it is easier to hid one's head in the sand that to sum up the courage to face one's faults, wrongdoings, and sick thinking, and face one's "self." It hurts a great deal, and it takes a very long time to work through all of the hurts from the past. It is not an easy road, and many people cannot muster the courage it takes just to get started.

The hardest step is the first one, and people are so afraid that they won't even chance taking the first step. If they do, and it begins to hurt, and they begin to feel worse about themselves, they quit.They don't realize that its always darkest before the sunrise, and that if they will just continue forward, however slowly, they will begin to see rays of golden light on the other side of the darkness, and that will give them the courage to continue onward and upward.

I made a valuable decision in 1988, and that was that no matter how much it hurt to face myself, my faults, wrongdoings, and failures, that the process of healing would never be as painful as the life I was living. To continue living in the emotional pain I was in would have resulted in death for me. I had to move towards healing. I did not believe in suicide, and believe it is a sin against God to just check out, give up on myself and on life, on othes, on God. I refused to consider it, so I had two choices, stay where I was emotionally, or move towards healing. I chose healing, and that meant intense counseling for years.

It paid off. I am a different person than I was then. I am happier, and I am continually stretching myself and looking to improve myself. I am not stuck in sick thinking any longer. I can face myself and my faults on a regular basis, and it no longer hurts to do that. It even feels good, refreshing...healing. Healing has become a way of life, a "lifestyle" so to speak, and I am so grateful to God for being there and him helping me through it all.

Sorry for the sermon! I just feel so very deeply and intensely about counseling and healing from our past, that I beleive the world would be a better place if everyone would get real with themselves and deal with their own "shit," so to speak.

Okay, sermon over. As I said, my friendship with this guy has nothing to do with his astranged wife, nor with the male friend that she has "hooked up" with, just as my firendship with other people in this tangled web of deception and deciept has nothing to do with anyone else.

Friendship shouldn't have strings attached.

Sons and Daughters

If my luck is bad and his aim is straight
I will leave my life on the killing field.
You can see me die on the nightly news
As you settle down to your evening meal.

But you'll turn your back as you often do
Yet I am your sons and daughters too.

In the city streets where the neon lights
Turn my skin from black to electric blue
My hope soaks red on the gray pavement
And my dreams die hard for my life is through.

But you'll turn your back as you often do
Yet I am your sons and daughters too.

Maya Angelou (excerpt)

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but...to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

Dorothy Nevill

Holiday Triggers

"One year when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control." - Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas (and other holidays as well): snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.

There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories. Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thought, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.

Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting (and other dysfunctional behaviors and addictions can cause the same triggers).

We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. What happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.

If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self-care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.

Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, evein if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Let Go and Let God

"Let go and let God." It's a 12-step slogan that everyone uses, but do they really know what it means?

Surrender. Letting go and letting God is surrender. You say "I can't, He can, I guess I will let Him." In the beginning, when you first start on that path of recovery, you aren't so sure He can either. You aren't so sure anyone can help. You've been doing this thing as long as you can remember, and it hasn't worked out yet. You've pushed and pulled, twisted and stretched, strained and stressed all you know how to do, and finally you've come to a place where you just don't know what to do any longer. And there is the place where you find surrender.

Surrender isn't not caring. It's not giving up. It's not giving in. It's giving over. Giving over the outcomes that you've tried so hard to make happen, but they just keep slapping you in the face. Give it to God. Give the problem to God. Give the outcome to God. Give the person you're so over-stressed about over to God. And don't dictate the outcome.

The outcome is in God's hands now. Whatever it is, will be what it is supposed to be. It is all part of the journey. Breathe out. Relax. Breathe in. Stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it. Give it over to God to handle, and don't take it back.

God can make it work out, whether it looks like it or not right now. All is well. All is in control - God's control, not your control. And remember, He is God! He has to be able to do a better job than you can, right?

Let go. Let God. And begin to live!

Thanksgiving: Yes, I Am Truly Blessed!

I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I have several wonderful friends who treat me like family, and I always feel welcomed in their lives. To have family, real family, not the blood-kind, but the heart- kind, is a real blessing.

And look how far I have come in just a few short years. In 1996 I moved home to take care of my father after my mother died. He was slowly becoming unable to care for himself. I also got divorced! Wow, what can I say about that blessing? I misstepped and went outside God's will for me, and paid the price. (I would have done it anyway, with someone. I needed to learn those life lessons someway.)

By mid 2003, I was able to return to church (Dad had care on Sundays), and I made two very good friends that I call family today.

In 2005 God answered several prayers and gave me a grant to do some long overdue and much needed repair and refurbishment work on my home(previously my dads; he had passed away in late 2004). Work was completed in February of 2007. When there has been an everyday problem, you know, a leaky faucet, a broken refrigerator, a bigger tax bill than you expected, God has given me the resources in either people or funds to handle it.

In August of 2006 I was let go from a job because I wasn't needed any longer. Do you call that down-sizing in an organization of two? Anyhow, I just couldn't make myself send out any resumes. God was prompting me with visions of going back to school after 20-plus years. In January of 2007 I began school! I am now a part-time student in a graphic design program at a local college. It's a drive, but it's financially feasible, and the college has a great reputation of graduating students who know what they are doing when they get out. Just the fact that I am making it, working part-time and going back to school part-time, is a testiment to God's love, provision, and his fantastic organizational abilities!

I am in debt for the first time since 1997 (a debt that came from my marriage situation, but the debt is mostly responsible debt like classes, books, software. And I purchased a real desk with credenza and storage. It's an investment in my future, a future that includes a business from my home some day.

Every day I learn more and more about who I am, and who I want to become. I struggle, one step forward, three steps back, but then sometimes God catches me up and catapolts me forward, and I realize how much he has blessed me.

My prayers of thanksgiving weekly have included, and still include, "God, thank you for clean, hot, running water. God, thank you for the heat in the house, and the air conditioner too. God, thank you for the washer and dryer, and it's right in my own home! God, thank you for an oven that works, and the microwave. God, thank you that the refrigerator is still running. God, thank you that I have something to eat today, and I promise not to waste a bite. God, thank you for my job, and for the provisions you have given me to pay my bills and go back to school. And God, thank you that there are no bill collectors calling and that there are no police knocking on the door. God, thank you that there is no fallout (severe consequences) from my marriage. God, thank you for the lessons I had to learn, and thank you that I finally learned them! God, thank you for my dogs; they are part of my family. God, thank you for the friends you have given me, who stick by me, even when I am down and the going is tough. God, thank you for the souls that you have placed in my life to lead me and teach me life lessons, and some to get me out of jams (some not of my own making, and others I have orchestrated on my own). God, thank you for leading me along the path that is this life, and giving me a second chance - a thousand times and more. And thank you for talking to me and providing for me, even when I am too busy to talk to you. God, thank you for forgiveness, past, present, and future" The list goes on and on and on.

When you have been through what I have in life, the little things in life, the things that others take for granted, aren't so little and you thank God for every breath of life he gives you. You thank him for every morsel of food and every comfort he provides. Yes, I have been truly blessed, and I never forget it.

Holidays: Lonely or Just Alone

Thanksgiving is an interesting time for me. When I was young I dreaded holidays. If you've ever seen the comic Titus, you can get an exaggerated picture of my family and how they interacted. Our household was not the Hallmark ideal that so many people remember, or wish that they could remember. So holidays were not something to look forward to, and as I grew older, I spent many holidays alone out of necessity; necessity to keep my sanity.

Saying that, being alone on a family-oriented holiday was at times very lonely. I can still have a twing of that lonely feeling on holidays when I am alone, but I don't feel unloved like I used to. I have taken the mindset that much of my daily interactions and life situations come about because of what I do or don't do. There are people who get multiply invitations to events, including holiday celebrations. And then there are people like me who may receive one invitation, but hardly ever multiple invitations. And a lot of that has to do with me.

When I extend myself socially, make friends, ones who eventually desire to spend time with me, then people think of me more often and call or invite me to go places. When I take a good look at my social skills, my current disposition (Many times I do not feel well because of health issues. I used to pretend a lot. Being in recovery begins to make pretending completely impossible at times), and how that affects those around me, I realize that my output determines the input I receive.

Right now, in my current situation, socially what I have extended myself to do maybe hasn't worked that well. More effort on my part is needed. But all in all, if I experience a holiday where I am not invited to a event or celebration, I think I will look at it as a vacation from all the busyness in my life, and realize that next year can be different, and that life is a journey of learning experiences.

You are enough, just as you are. The moment is enough, just as it is.

Ralph Martson

"Happiness is an inside job."

Sayings & Slogans from the 12Step program
Humor & Wisdom in Recovery

Love of the Dance!

In the young midnight of life

spirits tethered to a pale rose,

a blossoming Maypole

that protects their innocent orbits,

soft, unfolding petals of fire

illuminating the currents on which they glide.

Love of the movement!

Emotion of flight!

Precise abandon!

Courageous body and physical color!

Love of the dance!

And then so suddenly a broken stalk,

the rythmic waves crash out of course,

tidal emptiness

severing the ribbons onto which they hold,

thorns pricking smooth spirited cheeks,

teardrops and blood, moistening the stage.

Yearning for answers.

Gazing into these salty, ruby pools,

a movement is detected against the starless sky,

familiar choregraphy, but whose?

Revealed in tears and blood, like crimson mirrors,

It is they who remain aloft,

firing the sky in graceful streams,

circling together

to generate the light of a rose within,

finally knowing the beautiful truth,

She never held them up at all,

it was a loving illusion to strengthen youthful wings

so they might fly.

And now they do.

Sometimes crooked, sometimes tired.

pure and perfect though

caressing the collective wound

to remember, always remember,

why they are here.

Love of the movement!

Emotion of flight!

Precise abandon!

Courageous body, physical color!

Love of the dance!

Jeff Spoden, 1989

What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.

Hecato, Greek philosopher

You have to have been tested to have a testamony.

The Screaming World and A Prayer for You, Whoever You Are

Wow! Thank you God, that I turned to you, out of desperation, guilt and shame, when I did. The world has become so complicated now, that even someone searching for forgiveness, truth, peace and a God who loves them, can be misled by the many voices screaming "We have the way!"

God doesn't scream. God whispers. God loves. God gives second chances, over and over again. God lets you start over every morning with a clean slate, and whispers in your ear, "I love you."

I pray for all those who are searching and those who are not because they do not know they need truth: that you will hear the whisper of God, and that you will pay attention and listen closely, despite the screaming world. I pray for second chances and for those who want to know the truth, not just what "feels good" and is right in men and women's eyes. I pray for all those who have wandered down the wrong path, listened to the wrong voice, blocked out understanding in favor of denial and the blanket of numbness that it brings, or rejected truth, as painful as it can be at times. I pray that you would pray for truth, because truth is what sets you free.

"You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free!" Jesus, The Bible, John 8:32

Letting Go of Chaos

No good work comes from unrest.

Unrest, fear, anger, or sadness may motivate us. These feelings are sometimes intended to compel action. But our best work emerges after these feelings have been replaced by peace.

We will not accomplish our task any sooner, or any better, by performing it out of a sense of urgency, fear, anger, or sadness.

Let go of unrest. Let peace fill the void. We do not have to forfeit our power, our God-given personal power - or our peace - to do the work as we are called upon to do today. We will be given all the power we need to do what we are meant to do, when it is time.

Let peace come first. Then proceed. The task will get done, naturally and on time.

Today, I will get peaceful first, and let my work and life emerge from that base.

From "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie

"Hope" is not a plan.

"Meds create the scaffolding that allows you to go through recovery."

Sinead O'Conner, Pop Star and Recovering Bi-polar Disorder Patient

Over 5 Million people, in the United States alone, live with Bi-polar Disorder, the majority without a diagnosis.

Friend Sharpens Friend

You know the Bible says about relationships that "iron sharpens iron." I have never liked that verse, or the connatations that came along with it. But tonight I experienced a new insight into that verse. Again, filtered through my codependency and the recovery process I have been on for a number of years now, it took on new meaning.

Tonight I experienced truthfulness, trust, and a willing spirit to expose deep feelings between friends. Let me set the stage for you. Our church will be merging with another church in the local area. It will mean many things to both congregations. It will mean growth for both, and for the Kingdom of God. What it will also mean is that many people will be processing many feelings over the next few months.

A good friend, who had just been told of the plan, called to process. At the time I am sure she was experiencing a myriad of feelings; sadness, hurt, fear, anger, excitement. What I felt from her was irritation, bordering on anger. I am not saying that is what she put across, but that is what I felt coming from her. I reacted by trying to give all the reasons this would be a good thing for our church. What she felt from me was probably something akin to disregard. She felt unheard. I didn't validate her feelings. I didn't truly understand all of her feelings.

When I was a child I learned to hide feelings. You see in my house, if you exposed your feelings or thoughts, you became a target, pepetually within range anytime something wasn't going that well for other members of the family. They were aggitated; you got shot.

What I learned from growing up in that environment was to not show my feelings. Fear was the exception to that rule. I never could hide my fear. It showed in my "deer in the headlights" look, and the quiver on my lip. Anyway, I learned not to expose the underbelly of my thoughts or feelings, for fear of being hurt over and over again, and it being used against me for years to come.

As a result of this lesson (*codependent lesson!), well learned I might add, I sense feelings, but I don't always know what to do with them. I walk into a room and can feel the energy from various people, but I have no idea how to react most of the time. I'm not the touchy-feelie kind. I don't cry easily, and I'm uncomfortable with those that do. I don't put a lot of stock in "happy" feelings, because they will always be replaced with "unhappy" ones. And yes, I know, feelings are just feelings, not good or bad, but you know how you feel after a good day, or a bad one. I had a counselor who always quoted, "This too shall pass." If you're in the 12Step program, you know what she meant.

Anyhow, I digress. I did not validate her feelings because I didn't get a high energy level of "sad" or "hurt." What I got was "irritation or anger." It was the more potent of the energy I was getting from her at that moment. Well, she had the courage tonight to tell me that she had called to talk to me, to have a sounding board. And I didn't validate her feelings. Now, that's courage!

She has grown so much over the last year, and I am so thankful to have her as a friend. And I can look at myself and see that I am still growing as well. I did not get angry. I did not get my feelings hurt. I did not backpeddle. I was able, through many years of recovery, to accept what she said, not dive back into my shell and hide, and not secretly hold a grudge over what she said. I was able to hear her, acknowledge her feelings, accept that I didn't do the best job at being a friend last night, process why, and tell her I was sorry I wasn't able to be there for her the way she needed me to. Now for me that's progress.

It was refreshing. I "heard" her. (I hope she feels she was heard.) And I was "heard." We worked out a plan to grow our relationship even further. From now on, when I think I feel "irritation or anger" coming from her, I will try to step back and see if I can detect other emotions (feelings that aren't as potent) under the surface. I will ask myself, "What is really going on here?" And I will try to ask enough questions to find out all that she is feeling, and what she needs from me.

She agreed to try to remember to say to me, "I am feeling ***, and I need a sounding board." That will help me to know what to do with all the emotions I am detecting, instead of reacting to the first or strongest one that comes across to me, and from that I will be able to meet her needs better.

I am truly hopeful. It is a rare relationship where two people can become comfortable enough with themselves, and with another person, that they will risk being open and honest, exposing themselves, and asking for what they need. It is a rare friendship where one can confront the other person (in love, and without drama!) and let that person know that a real need was not met, and that it was hurtful.

I feel I can now move more deeply into this friendship. I can be more honest with her, knowing that she will not take it personally and retaliate if I feel I need to express a hurt or a need. And she can do the same. This is the stuff of real, mature, relationships. This is the stuff of counseling that I have been exposed to, but never been able to fully experience in a relationship (friend or significant other). This is where "iron sharpens iron." And friends practice healthy behaviors (newly learned or relearning) with one another, and begin to have a healthy relationship with themselves as well.

We begin to become more comfortable in our own skin. Friend sharpens friend, and both are the better for it.

A Warm Cup of Tea

I celebrated a friend's birthday tonight. She is a friend that I hold dear. She has been both a friend and a sister to me, a sister I never had. She brings songs of happiness into my life, and fills my days with joyful music. Her voice brightens my mornings, and reminds me thoughtout my day that I am loved.

Her friendship is like a warm cup of tea, fragrant and sweet, just like a bright, clear, cup of Earl Grey or English Breakfast that wakes you in the morning or a cup of Camomile, welcomed at the end of a long, hard day, it soothes you to sleep at night-Always there in just the right way and at just the right time; something to slow down and savor.

When I count my blessings, she is at the top of the list. When I pray, I thank God for her. I thank God that she came into my life. And I pray that she will always know how much I love her, even if I am not the best at saying or demonstrating it. She holds a true place in my heart, and I count very few people as "true friends." She is a true friend.

When others come and go; When others let you down; When others forget about you when someone new or more exciting comes along, she is still there. She teaches me what love really is, and for that, as well do I thank God. Mac 9/28/2007

Where Are All the Men?

Where are all the men at? The ones you see in movies and on TV? You know, the ones who see you struggling with the sofa you are woman-handling up the flight of steps into your new house, and they walk over and offer to help. The ones you later invite to go out to dinner to thank them for what they did to help you, and they take you up on it, and you become close friends, and two years later decide to marry and have children. Where are they? You know, the ones who after ten years of marriage have an affair with their secretary or the waitress at the diner where they go for out-of-the-office meetings, or the girl at the bar where they stop off and have a drink after work to ease out of the work mode. Where are they? You know, the ones who catch some horrible sexually transmitted disease from the person they had the affair with and bring it home to you, and you find out six month's later when your pap smear is abnormal. Where are they? Where are all the men at?

Well, wherever they are, they can stay there. Mac 9/2007 - A "Sex and the City" Momentary Lapse of Insanity Commentary on Self-Responsibility and Self-Preservation. Thank God I'm in Recovery! Are You?