A Warm Cup of Tea

I celebrated a friend's birthday tonight. She is a friend that I hold dear. She has been both a friend and a sister to me, a sister I never had. She brings songs of happiness into my life, and fills my days with joyful music. Her voice brightens my mornings, and reminds me thoughtout my day that I am loved.

Her friendship is like a warm cup of tea, fragrant and sweet, just like a bright, clear, cup of Earl Grey or English Breakfast that wakes you in the morning or a cup of Camomile, welcomed at the end of a long, hard day, it soothes you to sleep at night-Always there in just the right way and at just the right time; something to slow down and savor.

When I count my blessings, she is at the top of the list. When I pray, I thank God for her. I thank God that she came into my life. And I pray that she will always know how much I love her, even if I am not the best at saying or demonstrating it. She holds a true place in my heart, and I count very few people as "true friends." She is a true friend.

When others come and go; When others let you down; When others forget about you when someone new or more exciting comes along, she is still there. She teaches me what love really is, and for that, as well do I thank God. Mac 9/28/2007

Where Are All the Men?

Where are all the men at? The ones you see in movies and on TV? You know, the ones who see you struggling with the sofa you are woman-handling up the flight of steps into your new house, and they walk over and offer to help. The ones you later invite to go out to dinner to thank them for what they did to help you, and they take you up on it, and you become close friends, and two years later decide to marry and have children. Where are they? You know, the ones who after ten years of marriage have an affair with their secretary or the waitress at the diner where they go for out-of-the-office meetings, or the girl at the bar where they stop off and have a drink after work to ease out of the work mode. Where are they? You know, the ones who catch some horrible sexually transmitted disease from the person they had the affair with and bring it home to you, and you find out six month's later when your pap smear is abnormal. Where are they? Where are all the men at?

Well, wherever they are, they can stay there. Mac 9/2007 - A "Sex and the City" Momentary Lapse of Insanity Commentary on Self-Responsibility and Self-Preservation. Thank God I'm in Recovery! Are You?

New Life

If you had asked me three years ago what my life would look like down the road, my idea would not have been a positive one. I had moved home several years earlier to take care of my father after my mother died. Then he had a stroke and everything changed in a matter of months. Finally, I was not able to take care of him, and against my heart's desire, moved him into a nursing home. I was living in my parent's home and it hadn't had any repair or improvements in years. So everything that needed to be taken care of was totally up to me, and my income was way below the poverty level even though I was working 40 hours a week or more. I was sick and the doctors didn't know what was wrong with me. I was told over and over it was "just stress." Then I got sick for five months and couldn't get out of the bed, except for bodily emergencies. My family was absent from my life and couldn't be counted on for support or help. Friends didn't get how sick I was, and with several, our friendships fell away. I had one true friend left and she was six hours away. It was a very bleak existence and I was lonely, sick, totally alone and on my own. I was truly afraid and could not see my way past any of the misfortune and pain I lived.


I celebrated my birthday yesterday. Friends met me at a local resturant and we had a wonderful night. I truly just wanted to enjoy an evening with people I like and care about. Even though I told them not to buy anything, I was overwhelmed by the presents and cards. Later that evening I was struck with the vivid difference in how I viewed my life then and now. I have my times of trouble, and I can complain with the best of them, but I truly saw my life as exciting, fulfilling, and wonderful. And it is only getting better.


I thank God for the tough times I have had to go through. Each one has taught me a lesson, and given me a better foundation in faith and trust. I thank God for the good times, and the new and exciting life he has planned for me. I feel safe in his hands. I know that if I do what I am able, he will take care of the rest. And I am happy.

Mac 9/7/2007

The Lightbulb Moment

I remember the day the lightbulb finally began to glow in my head. I finally got Step One of the 12Step program. It had been about a month and a half, and I just couldn't understand why I was supposed to accept the concept of powerlessness. I was already powerless. I knew it. I was powerless in my relationship with my husband. He called all the shots. He was emotionally and psycologically abusive. I already knew I was powerless, so why did I have to accept it again? It just didn't make sense. But my sponsor, the facilitator of the group, kept saying to me, "Pat, you're powerless!" She really irked me. I wanted to reach out and strangle her. But she just kept saying it.

Then, in that meeting, the lightbulb finally went off. I got it. The "ah hah" moment. Yes, I was powerless. I was powerless over him, his behavior, his thought patterns, his values and beliefs, and his ability to make our lives truly miserable. That was the beginning.

Later, I would learn what I had power over, but first I had to accept powerlessness, and let go. Let go of the worry and anxiety over the decisions he was making, let go of the outcome, let go of him and whether he loved me or not, whether he approved of me or not, let go of the continuous anxiety and fear that permeated every second of every day.

Since I began going to CoDA meetings in November 0f 1992 I have grown beyond my wildest dreams. It may not look like much to you now. I have so many flaws that I still need to address. But you should have known me then!

I thank God for the 12Step program, and how it has helped me look into myself, my motives, my habits and hurts, my addictions. I thank God for a place to go where I can actually admit all my faults out loud to someone, and not feel like the odd man out, not feel ashamed, because everyone in that meeting is struggling with the exact same issues as I.

My Higher Power, my God, is a loving, forgiving, unjudgemental God, who loves me so much he has made a way for me to heal, and do it in a safe environment. Thank God for the 12Step program, and for leading me to it. Thank God I was willing to listen.
Mac 9/2007

Eternal Protection

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Ps. 121:3

The first three of the twelve steps of recovery from dysfunctional pattersn provide the basis for the rest of the process. Succinctly stated they are: "I can't, he can, so here goes!" All recovery hinges on the ability to give up our need to control while allowing an all-powerful God to be in charge of our recovery. While many acknowledge this to be true inprinciple, in practice it is hard to loosen the grip on old, reliable controlling patterns.

Behind this often is our fear that God cannot do the trick. We fear that God will desert us if we give up control to him. Rather than take this risk, we continue patterns that are not helpful, and ususally we contribute to the problem rather than fix it.

Not only is God all-powerful, he does not sleep. He is busy watching out for you twenty-four hours every day, making certain that you are safe always as you trust him throughout the entire recovery process. It is safe to take the plunge because God is always there.

Do you fear that God will not be there when you need him? How does this impede your ability to let him be in charge of your recovery?

Setting New Boundaries

We're so careful to see that no one gets hurt.
No one, that is, but ourselves.

Al-Anon member

The Mending Wall

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it
And spills the upper boulder in the sun,
And make gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs.
The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there,
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,
One on a side.
It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, "Good fences make good neighbors."
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:
"Why do they make good neighbors?
Isn't it where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down."
I could say "Elves" to him,
But it's not elves exactly,
and I'd ratherHe said it for himself.
I see him there,
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

by Robert Frost

Detaching is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement. Al-Anon member

Go Placidly...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace may be in the silence.

As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak truth quietly and clearly. Listen to others, event the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is, many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of herosim.

Be yourself, especially do not feigh affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture the strength of your spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many years are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. Be careful. Strive to be happy. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Camilla Phillips 2005

It's not what I do that determines who I am. It's who I am that determines what I do.
Keith Devine

Detaching in Relationships

When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care.

We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.

As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.

We learn something else too. Detachment - letting go of our need to control people, behaviors and outcomes - enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.

Detachment means we care, about ourselves and others. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiates a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same. It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.

Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I am loving others, and I am loving myself too.

Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.
Women, Sex and Addiction
Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this "out-of-body" experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, caretake, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us onto whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries - healthy parameters - around ourselves and our energy. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our own issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live - in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. God, help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Giving the Outcome to God

Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22

Casting our cares on God may seem like a welcomed relief, but for some of us it is a frightening experience. Giving our anxieties/worries to God means we allow God to be in control instead of ourselves. This can be threatening for those of us who find our security in being in control at all times.

Sandra was a perfectionist. Everything had to be done right. If the project couldn't be completed without error, then Sandra didn't do it at all. Not surprisingly, Sandra struggled with anxiety attacks because she could not live up to her own unrealistic expectations. She did not give herself the latitude to finish a project behind schedule, or to do the best she could with the time given to her.

Are you a lot like Sandra? Do you need to be in control no matter what? Casting our anxieties on God allows us the freedom to do the best we can and feel good about ourselves even if a project is not done perfectly. God tells us that it is wize to give him control because he loves us and wants good things for us. We can trust him with significant concerns. He invites you and me to let him bear the load of our worries.

When we give our anxieties to God, we are choosing to let go of control.

Serenity Meditation Series "Setting New Boundaries" Daily Devotions for Those in Recovery, MacDonald, Brown & Mitsch - Counselors of the Minirth-Meier Clinic, Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers

A Lost Friend

I just received a "note" from a lost friend today. This friend has taken a wrong turn in their lives; they have walked down a wrong path. I care deeply for this lost friend, though they do not understand the caring, the love for them, because of the twisted way they have begun to see the world; because of the wounds they have, the hurt and pain they experience, because of the anger and guilt they harbor in their hearts.

The note read, "KEEP YOUR' PRAYERS THEY ARE MEANINGLESS. DO NOT SEND ME ANYTHING ELSE. YOU ARE NO FRIEND TO ME." The note was in response to a birthday card I sent, a card with my name, and the phrase, "you are in my prayers," a card I had hoped would let my friend know that I cared. You see, I have been where he is emotionally and psycologically. I understand the guilt, the feelings of worthlessness and despair, the isolation after you have done something you know others will not approve of, others see as a misstep, a sin; the feeling that you can never go home, that it is too late, that you are a mistake and now you have ruined your life too. Even if you have moments of pleasure, of happiness, the guilt and isolation loom in the shadows, under the surface, in the back of your mind, and you can never quiet feel comfortable. There is always a nervousness that sits under your skin, and it doesn't go away. Freedom from it doesn't come, no matter what you do.

It saddened me to receive this note. I had hoped it would help to punch a small hole into that blanket of deniel, let God's light in just a little, be a voice that calls from far away "there is hope, there is a better way, there is freedom from the hurt and pain and guilt." I just wanted this friend to know that I still cared and that they were loved, and that they were not alone. So sad.

That which is in the dark will come to the light. That which holds darkness over you can be banished by the light. "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free," a quote from Jesus. There is freedom in admitting the truth, to yourself, to God, and to one other human being. The truth frees your soul. The truth opens your heart to real freedom; freedom to be who you really are, without the guilt, the scars of the past, the self-hatred, the feelings of unworthiness. The truth frees you to be the real you, the you God intended all along before you were stained by the evil in this world, before you sustained the hurt and wounds from living in turmoil and chaos.

I will not stop praying for this friend. It is right to love your friends and your enemies. It is right to pray for both. I love this friend enough to do what I believe is right and in his best interest, and that no matter what he has done, what wrong turn he has taken, there is no judgement here, only understanding of his condition, his feelings, his thoughts. And there is the prayer for him to finally, one day, begin to see the truth, begin to admit the truth, begin to tell the truth to himself, to God, and to another trusted human being. I will pray for his freedom, because that is true love. Mac 8/2007

Antidotes

Codependent Behaviors verses Healthy Antidote Behaviors

• empathizing vs. feeling my feelings
• worrying about vs. not worrying about (or for) others
• pitying vs. respecting
• helping vs. helping only when I want to
• caretaking vs. taking care of myself
• fixing, resuing vs. letting others experience their own consequences
• protecting vs. acknowledging other's ability to take care of themselves
• defending vs. letting others defend themselves
• interfering vs. minding my own business
• rationalizing, justifying vs. seeing others' behavior honestly
• excusing vs. letter others be accountable for their actions
• sacrificing for vs. taking care of my own needs first
• being a martyr vs. not giving my life away for anyone
• avoiding vs. confronting
• distancing, withdrawing from vs. being accessible, approaching others
• witholding from vs. giving happily when I want to
• giving the silent treatment vs. listening and responding
• minimizing or denying my feeling vs. valuing and owning my feelings
• pretending, deceiving, or lying vs. voicing my feelings and opinions honestly
• manipulating vs. asking for what I want
• controlling vs. letter others make their own choices
• teasing vs. complementing
• shaming vs. honoring
• criticizing, judging vs. appreciating, accepting
• blaming vs. taking responsibility for my own life
• resenting vs. forgiving
• being hostile vs. being kind
• cursing, raging vs. expressing my anger appropriately without attacking
• hating vs. loving
• punishing, abusing vs. disciplining fairly, and only when appropriate
• discounting, ignoring vs. respecting, acknowledging others
• neglecting, abandoning vs. fulfilling commitments even when difficult
• being passive vs. taking action
• whining vs. speaking honestly concerning my needs or wants
• acting helpless or powerless vs. using my abilities and power constructively
• being bitter vs. forgiving and letting go of the past
• fearing vs. being courageous
• being vigilant, on guard, wary of vs. being self-confident
• pleasing vs. pleasing myself
• appeasing vs. fighting for my rights appropriately
• enmeshing vs. being independent in my feelings and choices
• needing vs. enjoying others while being self-sufficient

(c) 1999 by Tim A (NYC)

World Philosophies Say...

Greece said, "Be wise, know yourself."

Rome said, "Be strong, discipline yourself."

Religion says, "Be holy, conform yourself."

Epicureanism says, "Be sensuous, enjoy yourself."

Education says, "Be resourceful, expand yourself."

Materialism says, "Be satisfied, please yourself."

Psychology says, "Be confident, fulfill yourself."

Pride says, "Be superior, promote yourself."

Asceticism says, "Be inferior, suppress yourself."

Humanism says, "Be capable, believe in yourself."

Philanthropy says, "Be generous, give yourself."

Legalism says, "Be pious, limit yourself."

But the philosophy of Jesus Christ says, "Be a servant, think of others."

Rebellion and Taboos

I am a shadow of myself. There are things within me crying to get out. "Reveal yourself!," they scream. I have ignored them most of my life. "Good girls don't do that," was what I was always told, or "You just better not." There was never an explanation of what would happen if I did, but my mother had put the fear of God in me long before I began to question, or long. I grew up in this fear, and it consumed me, and it overpowered me. I am in my forties now. The only radical thing I ever did, that I care to admit here, is I married a man that my mother did not approve of, and that was rebellion in my family. I should have been hung! I don't expect my mother had given it much thought up until that point, but she definately had something to say about my choice. By then it was too late. She and dad had been too busy to pay attention to what their only daughter was absorbing from the culture around her, the sixties, and so I had already formed ideas and ideals in my mind, much to my mother's dismay. My mindset, and my preferences had long since been settled. From kindergarten my choices were taboo, and I knew it. But one day, I knew I would be able to make my own decisions, and then I would choose with my heart, not because of the fear of family. Rebellion is good sometimes, when it is for the right reason, the correct cause, the act of standing up for what one believes in. I miss that rebellious spirit. I know it is just a little under the surface, and it is just waiting for me to gain the courage again to be who I am, in spite of family, friends, or acquaintences. The world is getting smaller, and what was once taboo is not so shocking anymore. Maybe I'll get a tatoo next. Mac 2007

The only journey is the journey within.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Haunted

There are many ghosts in my life. They have just recently begun to reveal themselves, floating up from my subconscience, bringing good and not so good memories. Their sort glow of white or blue, hazy, fog-like. But they have always been there, just below the surface of my mind. They are the aberations of people in my life, coming and going, softly showing me the way to go.

They are the people who spoke into my life, or walked in unannounced, teaching me lessons too important to ignore. But at times, they are the ones I disregarded. I didn't heed the wisdom they brought, in soothing words or painful deeds. I barely caught a glimpse of them, in their milky white.

They are the people whom God sent to guide me. They demonstrated sane thinking, or their lessons danced of insanity. They spoke words of wisdom into my life, or guided me with a gentle hand. I did not recognize them for what they were. I did not see the hand of God.

They were my friends and family and lovers, my teachers, my counselors, therapists, my 12Step group members, and even people I have never formally met, whom God has used to tell me he is watching over me, and guiding me.

I smile softly at my ghosts, as they float through the rooms in my mind. I owe my life to some of these ghosts, who materialized and gave words of wisdom and pointed out the path to take.

One day I hope to be a ghost, floating up from some far lost memory, a fleeting thought in someone's day. And if by chance they pause to reflect, they too will remember words of wisdom, words I tried to carry into their lives, I pray. Mac 2007

Take time to remember how connected you are. Lift your eyes to the stars and listen. Listen to the wind blowing through the trees. Dance in the moonlight. Listen to cricket's chirp. Listen to the rustling leaves. This is God's music. The universe sings to God. Pay attention to the joyful songs of birds praising God with the coming of each new morning. Watch as the lilies open and face the sun. Listen to the babbling brook. Watch the reddened leaf flutter to the ground. Smell the crisp air in autumn and the fragrant breeze in spring. Listen to your heart beat, and feel the air flowing within you. You are part of something bigger than yourself, your present life, your family, town, country, world. You are part of the dance, the "magical" dance of the universe taking place in time and space. You are part of the chorus, singing your song to the creator. A song of life. May your dance be worshipful, and your song be a love song. Mac 2007